16 December 2010

True Stories From My Past Part I

This one took place 4 or 5 years ago. I'm re-posting instead of retyping.

I Got Someone Pregnant.

Don't worry, I forced her into having an abortion.

Now for the explanation.

Yesterday was my first day at a new job. As soon as I'm put in the area that I'll be at this week, this woman starts giving me this really evil look. She gives me these murder eyes for the first half of the day. So as we were all going to lunch she was still giving me these eyes and it was annoying and confusing. So it's just her and I walking through one of the isles when I say hi and ask how she's doing. This is how the conversation went.

Hello. How are you?
*SLAPS THE SHIT OUT OF ME* How in the fuck are you going to talk to me like nothing is wrong after what you did to my sister???!?!?!?!?!
Okay, I deserve that. Who's you're sister?
*SMACK AGAIN!* You sick fuck! How many other women have you gotten pregnant and forced into an abortion?!?!?!
WTF!?!?!?! I never got anyone pregnant!
Don't fucking try that bullshit with me Jeff! You got Jane pregnant 2 and half years ago and manipulated her into having an abortion!
You crazy bitch! The only Jane I know is my aunt and I haven't seen her in 6 years or more. Oh, and my name isn't Jeff! It's Jason!!
You're pathetic, you know that? You were with Jane everyday for over a year. I know what you fucking look like.
Two and half years ago? That would have been summer 03, right?
Ooooooh! You finally learned to count!
I was in KOREA THEN!
*show her my IDs* See? I'm not this Jeff dude.
But you look EXACTLY like him! All the way down to the ear holes!
*I was silent and kinda twitching here*
I am SOOO sorrry! Please don't be mad at me. I thought you were him and I..I..I'm sorry! I really need this job--
*While laughing* Are you kidding? This is great! You've just given me another fucked up story to add to my life!

After work I was thinking about this and I had three main thoughts and emotions revolving around my mind.

Emotion 1: Feeling of "Holy shit!"
Thought: Kim Lowe was right! Weird shit does happen to me.
Emotion 2: WTF MATE?
Thought: Why did I instantly assume that the first slap was deserved?
Emotion 3: Uh oh....
Thought: Maybe I'm not the evil twin.....

It was a very interesting first day.


  1. It was a damn good day. But not the best. I'll post some better ones tomorrow.

  2. I second what Vapor said!

    damn now I can't stop reading..shit.