Suicide is a sensitive
topic. One that most all of us have had to deal with, whether with the loss of
someone we know, or with the idea of taking our own life. It is often said that
suicide is a selfish and cowardly act. That giving up on life, forgetting everyone
you know, and thinking only of yourself is so selfish and stupid that not much
else surpasses its cowardice. Cowardly, because staying and dealing would be
harder and far braver.
I get sick to my stomach
when I hear these things. More often than not, I stay quiet. I know that saying
these things is merely a coping mechanism for most people. It is a way for them
to deal with the loss of a loved one, or to suppress their own dark thoughts and guilt for having not stepped in when they could have. I
can understand the need for this, but I cannot accept it as the most beneficial
way of coping, or even the least harmful.
I am going to try and
explain why I do not agree with these thoughts, and why I feel they are harmful
to have, share, and/or encourage others to have. I do not know of any studies
showing whether or not these opinions are actually harmful, but will probably
be motivated to search for some before I'm through here. I am merely expressing
my opinion based on my own experiences as someone who has seriously attempted
suicide several times, and as someone that has lost many friends and family
members to suicide.
Why is suicide a selfish
act? A common argument is that suicide is selfish because the person
committing it is not thinking of anyone but themselves. They are not concerned
with the pain and suffering that their loved ones will endure. They're just
concerned with ending their pain, and nothing else.
I feel there are a lot
of flaws in that thought process. Mainly, the assumption that every single
person contemplating suicide has the same thoughts and reasoning behind their
decision to end their own life. It seems to assume that they are all so self
absorbed that they do not care about anyone or anything; or worse, that they
are spoiled teens that think it will be the ultimate revenge on people that
have been cruel to them. That it will give them some sort of legendary status.
The forgotten always remembered.
That's a bit too
presumptuous for me to accept, though. It leaves out so many things. Namely
those people with mental illnesses beyond depression and teen angst. Not once
did I ever feel like ending my life would make people remember me, or feel bad
for treating me the way they did. Nor did I ever think people would love me
more after I was gone. When I was at that point, it was the thought that the
people I loved would be better off without me that made the choice seem more
like the right one. I felt like I was a burden on everyone I knew, dead weight
that none of them needed or deserved. If I just ended everything, they would be
better off. I knew they'd miss me, but they would be relieved of the troubles I
caused them all. These thoughts were so strong, that I felt like a failure when
I woke up alive. Even more so when I ended up in ICU for a week and had to
endure visitors and the knowledge that everyone I knew was now aware of yet
another of my many failures. I felt like a freak show that people felt sorry
for. I felt that I was an even larger burden, because on top of everything
else, they now had to worry about me taking my own life. I felt like everyone
that walked into that room was thinking I'd only attempted what I did so that I
could get attention. That if I'd been really serious about it, I'd have
swallowed a thousand prescription pills rather than the 500+ that I did take.
That is what that kind
of severe depression does to you. It rationalizes things that are not rational.
It makes you believe that everyone else wants you to do it, and that not taking
your own life is the selfish act. Everyone wants you to go. No one wants to
deal with you and your pain.
Then there are those that
kill themselves out of severe mental illness. Several years ago I lost a dear
friend suffering from paranoid delusions, believing the government was after
her. She felt she was being watched at all times, and was so afraid that she
asked a family member for a pistol to place under her pillow as she slept, just
to be safe. A few weeks later, she used that pistol to take her own life. It
had been a couple of years since I had last seen her, and only a week after I'd
asked a friend how she was doing and to invite her out for my birthday the
following month. She had been off medication and recreational drugs for over a
year, and that was long enough for her to go from one of the smartest and most
amazing people I'd known, to someone so distraught with paranoia that the only
way she could save herself and protect her family was to end her own life. I
was told she did not leave a note.
I would also talk about
those that kill themselves in order to save their family from debt through life
insurance, but I do not believe I personally know of anyone that has done this.
My uncle may fall into this area, but I never wanted to ask anyone any more
details than I was already given. From what I did learn, he was severely depressed
and felt helpless. I’d like to stick with only those that I have more
definitive knowledge of, and experience with.
Why is suicide a
cowardly act? It often said suicide is cowardly, because it is taking the
easy way out. Instead of taking the high road and working on their problems,
they are giving up. They are basically running from them in a way that they can
never turn back. They are scared of life, and scared of the hard work that
comes with it.
I'm really not sure why
people forget how scary death is when talking about suicide. To not only
attempt it, but to seriously think about it beforehand and still do it, is far
from cowardly. It takes a lot to follow through, which is why so many go with
falling from buildings/bridges and swallowing pills. Things that are quick and
as painless as possible (the irony that swallowing pills, slitting wrists,
hanging, suffocating, drowning, etc; can be quite painful and drawn out in
comparison to a gunshot, is not lost on me.). This is not to say people should
be commended posthumously for their suicides. I do not believe anyone that
takes their own life should be thought of as brave for doing what many cannot,
because the events leading to the act are full of missed chances to have
changed things.
Each time that I
attempted to end my own life, I thought very long and hard about what I was
doing, and why I was doing it. I prepared for it (with the exception of one
incident that involved plastic and duct tape) and took my time to make sure it
was exactly what I wanted and needed to do. It wasn't easy, and each time I was
scared shitless. This was a permanent decision. If I succeeded, there would be
no second chances. I was sacrificing everything to end the pain that had turned
me into a burden that everyone I had ever loved was forced to carry. The
feelings in the moments before and during felt much like those felt when
placing myself into harm’s way to protect a loved one. The primary differences
were society calling me a coward looking for attention and society labeling me
a kind of hero. To be honest, placing myself in harm’s way for a loved one has
always been a much easier choice to make. It is natural, while suicide goes
against all of my natural instincts.
Why is suicide a stupid
act? I have heard many times over that
suicide is stupid, because there are always people worse off and not
taking their lives. That the only people being hurt by suicide are the loved
ones left behind to mourn. That it is stupid for the same reasons that make it
selfish and cowardly.
The people that I often hear say this appear to be those that are
the most afraid of their own mortality. It rarely has any rational thought
behind it, and I feel that this reason is the most harmful of them all, and the
one that exemplifies most why there needs to be more dialogue and discourse
when it comes to suicide. Regardless of what most people claim, death is the
one thing our species fears most. It is what we are trying hardest to cure. Be
it through faith or science, just about everyone wants to live forever. So to
try and imagine what it is like to no longer want to exist. To not have that
primal instinct to survive; well, that can be damn near impossible for many
people to imagine, let alone accept.
This does not make suicide stupid. This makes the lack of
education and awareness of mental illness stupid. This makes societal etiquette
when it comes to what people should and should not talk about stupid. It does
not make the act stupid, and it most certainly has no bearing on the
intelligence of anyone that has attempted or committed suicide.
Someone in a place that makes suicide seem like an answer to
anything, is not a stupid person. Anyone in that place knows there are other
answers, and they have thought about them. They have weighed them against one
another. They have hit a point where they go from sad to a point in sadness
that many people may never know. A point where the realization that they have
hit the place where suicide is a serious option increases their sadness in a
way that it no longer seems like a choice. It turns into something that has to
be done, because the point of no return has been crossed and long since left
behind. The act no longer feels like it is even about them. It has become an act
for the greater good. Once this point has been reached, it is not following
through that feels like the selfish and cowardly act. Many of those lucky enough to
survive an attempt know exactly how much it hurts to wake up and realize that
they have “failed.” Given enough time that feeling can turn to gratefulness. Having
people that are not afraid to talk about it without pity or judgment can
greatly decrease that time.
Why I feel it is harmful
to talk about suicide as selfish and cowardly and stupid:
Shame.
First and foremost, shame. When you talk about suicide in these ways, you are
making those with suicidal thoughts feel shame for thinking about ending their
own life. Secondly, you are keeping suicide taboo. You are encouraging others
to keep suicide a taboo subject in which people are afraid to talk about out of
fear that they will be negatively judged. No one should ever feel ashamed of
their feelings or afraid to talk about a serious topic because it makes others
uncomfortable. Especially when talking about it may save someone’s life.
Someone in a state that
already has them contemplating suicide is most certainly not in need of added
guilt and shame for feeling that way. To be in that mindset one already feels
hopeless and alone, and does not need anything else strengthening those
thoughts and feelings. No one should ever feel ostracized for feeling badly.
The next time you catch
yourself thinking suicide is selfish, cowardly, or stupid; ask yourself what is
more likely - people contemplating, attempting, or committing suicide are these
things; or is it more likely that being unable to get beyond your own
discomfort with the subject is what is truly selfish, cowardly, and stupid?
Suicide is not selfish,
it is heartbreaking. It is not cowardly, it is tragic. Suicide is not stupid.
Suicide is preventable.
Be someone that brings awareness to others, and not someone afraid to accept a serious reality for many people. So long as suicide is considered a taboo conversation topic, lives that could have been saved will continue to be lost.
National SuicidePrevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Here are a few links about
suicide that I feel are worth reading:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/the-six-reasons-people-attempt-suicide
My favorite quote on suicide, which sums up my feelings pretty nicely:
ReplyDelete“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” - David Foster Wallace
That is so perfectly said. Thank you for sharing it with me.
DeleteThank you for writing this post.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading it. :)
DeleteJason--I appreciated reading your post. I do not find labeling suicide any of those things to be helpful to the discussion. I guess I would surmise (maybe incorrectly I guess) that if people are discussing suicide, it might be because they are interested in being part of the solution (to reduce the occurrence of suicide). If that is the case, then labeling is ineffective and harmful (as you stated) and people should stick to educating themselves, finding out how they can help in their own communities, and offering support to, and reaching out to either survivors or people who might be contemplating. As an aside, and you might already be aware, people with schizophrenia have the highest rate of completed suicide. I believe this is because they are so tormented by their paranoia and psychosis (as you described your friend to be). It is incredibly heartbreaking. ~Emily
ReplyDeleteThank you. I agree with your assessment of schizophrenics reasons, and believe another large part of it may be because they, more than anyone, lack the personal responsibility needed for that moment of hesitation that makes a suicide only an attempted suicide.
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