17 December 2010

True Stories From My Past Part II: Electric Boogaloo

This one took place a few years back, when I was in college and on my way home from class. I call this one `Christian Road Rage'.

I was on my way home from school, dodging traffic and what-not, when the car in front of me put on their brakes. I saw there was room in the lane to my left, put my blinker on, counted to 3 instead of 5, because the car in that lane decided to speed up when they saw my blinker, and jumped over into that lane. I didn't notice at first, but apparently that pissed that couple off. After I passed the car that had hit it's brakes, I got back in the right lane and then noticed the other car was just backing off of my ass. They were all up in my shit.

Anyway, they passed me and the woman in the passenger seat was yelling at me. I smiled and waved with a goofy grin. Then we came to a red light. They were going left, and I was going straight. As I was pulling up beside them I saw her rolling down her window, and I suddenly had a great idea! I turned my radio over to 93.3 and rolled my window down. I put a clueless look in my eyes and a retarded smile across my face. Then the fun began...

Woman: Where the fuck did you learn to drive you stupid mother fucker?!
Me: Jesus loves you!!
W: What the fuck did you just say?!
M: Jesus loves you ma'am!! He loves you sooo much!
W: Shut the fuck up you stupid ass--
M: He loves you THIIIS MUCH!! *I spread my arms out like I was on a cross*
W: Are you fucking retarded?!
M: Oh no, I'm a virgin. God doesn't like for people to have sex before marriage. It makes the baby Jesus cry.
W: You fucking idiot!
M: No no silly! I'm Jason! Who are you?
W: Shut up! I don't know what the hell you're--
M: OOOOOHHHH!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!! *turned up loud christian music* Don't you just LOOOOOVE Amy Grant?!(I have no clue if it was Amy Grant or not, she's just the only female christian singer I know of.)
W: No you stupid fucking--- *Light turns green* (she's still ranting)

Everything she said should be read in Ebonics. I refuse to type in the grammar that she used. It was too fucking ignorant.

I'm glad the light turned red right as we were approaching it, but I wish it had lasted longer. I didn't even get a chance to squirt water from my water bottle at her and yell "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!" I was just two or three sentences from it too. *kicks ground*


  1. <3 You always have the best stories.

  2. I have to start going out more so I have have stories like this more often. I have less opportunities for funny when I go straight home after work. :/