28 July 2011

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Shirt on Amazon

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Shirt

I'm sure anyone reading this has read some of the reviews for this shirt before. They're great!

Well, I happen to work with a man that owns this shirt (and many others like it) and wears it without irony. He has had it longer than these reviews have existed. One of the most interesting people I've ever met. So much so, that I thought I'd write a review for the shirt myself. Mostly so I could reference it in a couple of weeks when I write a review for The Mountain Unicorn Castle Purple Shirt. Link is here.

The title of the review is: I used to be a woman...
It is a one star review.

I hate this shirt. I hate this company. They have ruined my life. I purchased this shirt for my son, because I was sick of watching Blues Clues and wanted him to skip age 2 and go right to age 34. After all, two years is more than enough time for him to grow up and become a man already. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of looking at the moon for too long, and before I knew it I was wearing the shirt myself.

At first it was great. I felt stronger, more powerful, people ACTUALLY respected me! It was the greatest feeling I'd ever had. Fast forward two weeks, and I had noticed my arms were bigger, my breast had turned into beautiful pectoral muscles that danced when I flexed them, my hair naturally slicked itself back into a glorious ponytail (not unlike that of Steven Seagal circa Above The Law) that had my husband and son worshiping the ground I walked on.  I had grown a delightfully thick beard, that was so amazing, Chuck Norris sent me a letter conceding to its glory. All great things, that I am very proud of. This shirt seemed like the greatest thing I could have ever found.  My life was perfect.

That is, they were perfect. Perfect up until the moment I discovered I had a penis. Actually, it was when my husband discovered the penis that things really went downhill.

At first he was envious of its majesty, but he learned to love it. Sex...Amazing! But it was a few days after the penis appeared before I left the house and discovered the true power of the Three Wolf Shirt.

In fact, it was when I made my first trip out in public with the penis that my life was ruined. I was at the Atlanta Motor Speedway with my husband and son, when we were rushed by a pack of beautiful women. My son and husband were trampled during the excitement, and were killed instantly. The spiked heels of these NASCAR models were just too much for my husband and son's fragile skulls.

I now spend all of my time locked in an undisclosed location, trying to find a way to break this curse and bring back my family. Searching for something that can reverse this curse disguised as a blessing.

Whatever you do, do not buy this item. It has a way of giving you everything you’ve ever dreamed of, at the cost of everything you love.

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