16 June 2011

Mental Masturbation of the Soul (Facebook Edition!)

The title is meant to imply that I am not really so self-centered and narcissistic as to think that writing a blog entry that strongly resembles a really long About Me section of a Facebook profile shows that I am actually a very deep individual, with ideas and thoughts that will change your ways of thinking. Or that I am the kind of person you think you are, but deep down know you really aren't.

It's a lie. I am that shallow and narcissistic, and I have no original ideas or anything interesting to say. What I am is bored at work and feeling like I need some kind of entry on this page. It's a shame I'm not feeling as inspired to write right now, as I am when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep.

Let's see where this goes!

My name is Jason. Apparently, I look like a Michael. That's my middle name, though I like to tell people it is Montgomery just to watch their face as they lie and tell me it is a beautiful or "unique" name. I grew up mostly in a small town on the edge of Georgia and Alabama. Hated the town, hated the schools, and pretty much hated everything until I was out on my own and living in Atlanta.

At sixteen years old I was kicked out of school for fighting my principal. He had sent me home several times before because of my hair. He didn't like the different colors. I tried going to other schools, but none would accept me. At 18 I decided to get my GED, took the test, received the diploma (if you can call it that), and proceeded to work crap jobs until I was 19. This is when I enlisted in the Army.

I did my time as a soldier. Never went to the desert, but I did go to Korea and several countries in South America. Got out, moved around for a while, and then worked some more crap warehouse jobs.

One Spring Break I took a week off from those crappy jobs and went to Puerto Rico to visit this hot chick I met on a message board (Bolt.com before it became whatever bullshit board it is now, and no, it is not a dating site). Had a blast and the next month she flew up to visit me. Then the following month I up and moved down there so I could actually date her like the normal person I am not.

A few months later she moved back to Georgia with me, and I went back to crap jobs.

When I finally got sick of those crappy jobs, I went into sales. I'd never worked in sales before, and thought it would be fun. It was... for about a week. I stayed in door-to-door sales for a few months, and then went into Car Sales. I didn't think anything would be worse than Going door to door, selling crap. I was wrong. Car Sales was the single worst job I have ever worked. It eats at your soul (and with a soul as short as mine, I couldn't afford to make a career out of it). Spent about two years there before leaving for a decent job with not many hours.

Then I landed my current job at a Helpdesk. Basic IT troubleshooting, and within a year and a half, I'd been promoted twice. Not bad for a fucking GED.

Somewhere near the end of all that, I married that Hot Latin Chick, and last September we had our first child. We spent a few years planning him, and seeing as how rare that is, I like to point it out. His name is Xekan, and he's fucking awesome.

Just look at this punam (WARNING! Better put on a helmet before scrolling down!):


















Yeah, that PERSON used to live in MY BALLS! Took my awesome, mixed it with my wife's awesome, and we created awesome that has caused heads to explode.

Now is the part where I start listing all of the things about me that are unique and junk. Are you ready?! You'd better be, Sally Mae Doofinsmurtz!

I am a midget because I have a short soul. My actual height is something people are always asking me. I think Brutus was awesome, because he stuck it to the man. I hate country music, reggaeton, and southern white gospel. Everything else is at least tolerable. When I taste something, the first thing that I think of is the shape that it tastes like. I recently realized that certain sounds cause physical reactions in me that can change my mood almost instantly. I am an Atheist. My father is/was a preacher. I think the smell of powdered laundry detergent is the greatest and most delicious scent in the universe. I get excited by science, and inspired by the most simple things. I want to be like Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson when I grow up, and hope to have published books that touch people in the ways that my favorite authors have touched me. Authors like David Sedaris, Douglas Adams, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Coupland, Tiffanie DeBartolo, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Kurt Vonnegut, and Dan Wells.

I have a strange sense of humor, and I could not care less if I am the only person laughing or not. I will laugh at anything, and anyone. I will not treat someone like they're special just because they're retarded, sick, or dying. I lack empathy and/or a conscience. I'm a good person because I do good things, and I do good things because I enjoy doing good things. I look at all of the likely consequences of each choice I make, and I do not have to worry about God or Guilt preventing me from making the correct choice. The first thing I ask myself before most any choice I make is "Which one will have the best story?"

Darkwing Duck has the most passionate theme song of any cartoon I can think of. When everyone in elementary school was listening to Michael Jackson, I was listening to Prince and Stone Temple Pilots. The first thing I ever said I wanted to be when I grew up, was a Mad Scientist. Once I noticed people laughing at it, I changed it to professional baseball player, and left that as my default response until I was out of school. I never wanted to play any sport professionally.

I am a good listener. Scratch that. I think I am a good listener because I was a good listener until I was about 17 and someone actually listened to me. Then I realized, not only how good it feels to let things out, but how much more interesting I am than everyone else. I sometimes talk just so I can hear myself speaking. I have a great voice, and there are times when it sounds so perfect I don't want to stop listening to it. Like a song on repeat, that you just can't get enough of.

I expect people to be who they are, and nothing else. I am never disappointed. I have a pro active way of thinking, and a laid back way of acting. I'm extremely logical and rational, though my mind sometimes shorts out and appears broken. I choose to see the bright side of everything, and that makes this universe so much more beautiful than any other way I've ever looked at it.

I think I'll stop now, since this is getting stupid long, and no one will ever read it all.

1 comment:

  1. I read it but mostly because it's stupid late and I'm stupid tired and the most stupid part is I laughed until I felt stupid. You're welcome

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