23 June 2012

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

The following is the email I sent to everyone I worked with at Intelliteach earlier today, my last day with the company. Had some email issues that didn't allow me to verify that the distribution list was properly up to date. Posting it here for those that might not have received it. This is by far one of the best places I have ever worked, so leaving wasn't easy.

Now we can move on to the rest of the email.

Intelliteers,lend me your eyes!

As most of you know, today is my last day as an Intelliteer. It has been an amazing three years full great and often strange times that I wouldn't trade for anything. It is, however, time for me to move on and make some serious changes in my life. Before I go, I feel I should leave you all with 10 things I have learned during my time here:

  1. Remember the angry and insane calls you receive, not because they are stressful or frustrating, but because they are the most fun to laugh about later. You're getting paid for your ability to do something that caller cannot, and that gives you power over them. They hate that. Plus, you're making memories that will stick with you forever, while that person will not remember it anymore than every other moment in their frustrated existence. Enjoy laughing at them years from now.
  2. Do not forget the nice calls, or that there are far more of those than there are bad ones. Especially on bad days, remind yourself that most of the people you speak with are good people, and that can make all the difference in your mood.
  3. When the Jeep rides, Tre and Stoph fight over who gets to drive - so you'd better wear a seat belt.
  4. If you have been wondering why Donnie McGuire reminds you of someone, but you just can't place it, that person is Matthew McConaughey. You're welcome.
  5. In the three plus years I have worked here, there has not been a single employee named Dave/David. For this reason, you should all know that Daniel Wang has been dubbed Dave for the rest of his life.
  6. Seriously, there has not been a single Dave at this company in all that time. We have some really weird names, and even a couple of Curtis Williamses that were hired within a month of each other for the same shift, but not a single Dave. What does Intelliteach have against people named David?
  7. If you have any questions about anything you can ever imagine, talk to Jordan about it. That man is either a cyborg or the victim of alien experimentation. No matter how obscure the subject, he's heard of it and can talk more in depth on it than anyone else you'll ever meet. I bet if you asked, he could even tell you why Applejacks do not taste like apples.
  8. Even if you hate geek culture and all the traffic and mayhem that comes each year with Dragon*Con, go down there on your breaks and lunches to see the people that attend each year. You'll find no better place to people watch, nor will you find a better mass of individuals so unabashedly proud of the things they are passionate about, regardless of how odd most people may find it.
  9. If you ever find yourself needing to speak with DeJuan, do not look for him at his desk. He has an explosive device implanted in his skull that will explode if he stops moving for more than 10 minutes at a time, and so far medical science has not found a way to safely remove it.
  10. Do not question The Great Christoph. He may seem like a laid back Penn Jillette, but will not hesitate to destroy you with his Viking fury. I once saw him use the skull of a toddler as a goblet, because he believes the tears of his enemy's orphaned children taste better when they are consumed from the place where nightmares live. So, I guess in that sense he's also a bit of a romantic.
I'd also like to remind everyone that I officially give you all permission to add to your resumes that you had the honor of working with me, the most amazingly awesome person in the History of Ever. Consider it my gift to you, because I am a humble man, despite my God-like qualities.

So to everyone:

And I'd thank you for all the fish, but too many Intelliteers before me have already done that; so keep it classy, Intelliteach.

Jason Caldwell
Team Lead and Hero of the People

"Stay cool, my babies!" - Conan O'Brien
"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry."- David Duchovny
"I was born an old coal miner's daughter..." Regie Durana
"Jason Caldwell is the greatest human being to ever exist." - Jesse Collins
"If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of." -Bruce Lee
"Knowledge is not wisdom." Sara Brown
"I've never been one to treat every new person that I meet, as if they were anyone I've previously met." - Jesse Collins

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