Should have been mad, but I couldn't help but be proud!

Today Xekan and I slept until the early afternoon. For someone on a third shift schedule and the parent of a two year old, this was glorious! But let me tell you WHY he slept so late...

I put him to bed around 9 last night, and he was being pretty needy -- insisting I stay next to him until he fell asleep. We read for a while, and then I told him it was time to sleep. After about 30 minutes of lying silently with him, I told him I was going to go to the living room and for him to go to sleep.

Two minutes after I closed the bedroom door, he came out of the room and asked me if he could listen to some music. He asks for music pretty often, and I will play the kids night time songs on Slacker Radio for him.

I started playing the music on our tablet, and he thanked me with a hug and kiss. Tucked him back in and left the room to clean and read some of my new book. I didn't hear a peep from him until I started to go in there at 3am to sleep.

He was awake... He had picked the tablet up from the floor, exited Slacker, and launched Netflix. I don't know how long he waited after I left the room before doing this, but it must not have been long, because the history showed that he had been watching A LOT of shows the entire time I thought he was sleeping. He was watching everything from Transformers to Chuck & Friends. He happened to be watching Chuck & Friends when I walked in.

I have not had the tablet long, have not ever let him watch Netflix on it, and certainly haven't shown him how to launch it and play show!

He just grinned and said, "Sorry daddy. Come lay down!" I tried to scold him, but I was too impressed to hide my prideful smile. I'm not really sure, but I think I owe him $50 now...

I didn't think to take a photo of him right then, but here are some taken over the weekend that are equally adorable.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

The following is the email I sent to everyone I worked with at Intelliteach earlier today, my last day with the company. Had some email issues that didn't allow me to verify that the distribution list was properly up to date. Posting it here for those that might not have received it. This is by far one of the best places I have ever worked, so leaving wasn't easy.

First of all: http://youtu.be/kfVsfOSbJY0

Now we can move on to the rest of the email.

Intelliteers,lend me your eyes!

As most of you know, today is my last day as an Intelliteer. It has been an amazing three years full great and often strange times that I wouldn't trade for anything. It is, however, time for me to move on and make some serious changes in my life. Before I go, I feel I should leave you all with 10 things I have learned during my time here:

1. Remember the angry and insane calls you receive, not because they are stressful or frustrating, but because they are the most fun to laugh about later. You're getting paid for your ability to do something that caller cannot, and that gives you power over them. They hate that. Plus, you're making memories that will stick with you forever, while that person will not remember it anymore than every other moment in their frustrated existence. Enjoy laughing at them years from now.
2. Do not forget the nice calls, or that there are far more of those than there are bad ones. Especially on bad days, remind yourself that most of the people you speak with are good people, and that can make all the difference in your mood.
3. When the Jeep rides, Tre and Stoph fight over who gets to drive - so you'd better wear a seat belt.
4. If you have been wondering why Donnie McGuire reminds you of someone, but you just can't place it, that person is Matthew McConaughey. You're welcome.
5. In the three plus years I have worked here, there has not been a single employee named Dave/David. For this reason, you should all know that Daniel Wang has been dubbed Dave for the rest of his life.
6. Seriously, there has not been a single Dave at this company in all that time. We have some really weird names, and even a couple of Curtis Williamses that were hired within a month of each other for the same shift, but not a single Dave. What does Intelliteach have against people named David?
7. If you have any questions about anything you can ever imagine, talk to Jordan about it. That man is either a cyborg or the victim of alien experimentation. No matter how obscure the subject, he's heard of it and can talk more in depth on it than anyone else you'll ever meet. I bet if you asked, he could even tell you why Applejacks do not taste like apples.
8. Even if you hate geek culture and all the traffic and mayhem that comes each year with Dragon*Con, go down there on your breaks and lunches to see the people that attend each year. You'll find no better place to people watch, nor will you find a better mass of individuals so unabashedly proud of the things they are passionate about, regardless of how odd most people may find it.
9. If you ever find yourself needing to speak with DeJuan, do not look for him at his desk. He has an explosive device implanted in his skull that will explode if he stops moving for more than 10 minutes at a time, and so far medical science has not found a way to safely remove it.
10. Do not question The Great Christoph. He may seem like a laid back Penn Jillette, but will not hesitate to destroy you with his Viking fury. I once saw him use the skull of a toddler as a goblet, because he believes the tears of his enemy's orphaned children taste better when they are consumed from the place where nightmares live. So, I guess in that sense he's also a bit of a romantic.

I'd also like to remind everyone that I officially give you all permission to add to your resumes that you had the honor of working with me, the most amazingly awesome person in the History of Ever. Consider it my gift to you, because I am a humble man, despite my God-like qualities.

So to everyone:

http://youtu.be/GWbz_mIAShM

And I'd thank you for all the fish, but too many Intelliteers before me have already done that; so keep it classy, Intelliteach.

http://youtu.be/1b26BD5KjH0

Jason Caldwell
Team Lead and Hero of the People

"Stay cool, my babies!" - Conan O'Brien

"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry."- David Duchovny

"I was born an old coal miner's daughter..." Regie Durana

"Jason Caldwell is the greatest human being to ever exist." - Jesse Collins

"If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of." -Bruce Lee

"Knowledge is not wisdom." Sara Brown

"I've never been one to treat every new person that I meet, as if they were anyone I've previously met." - Jesse Collins

http://www.facebook.com/bufferkiller

bufferkiller@gmail.com

Somewhere along the way I took a different path than my sanity. I hope we meet up again before our final destination.

I enlisted in the United States Army in 2002. It was just after 9/11 and it seemed everywhere I turned people (mostly kids) were talking about enlisting out of patriotic duty. I wasn't one of those people. My friend David was, and a few months after 9/11 he came up to me all kinds of politically charged and said we should enlist in the Army. I didn't get pumped up like he was, and he seemed a little shocked when I shrugged and said I'd enlist with him as if he'd just asked if I wanted to go grab a slice of pizza. We went out a day or two later and talked with some recruiters. Both of us set on going infantry so we could better understand those we'd met that refused to talk about the things they'd seen and done, regardless of how badly others wanted to hear about it. Before going, though, my girlfriend at the time convinced me to go with something else. David was not swayed, and went infantry anyway (we've both agreed since then that we should have stuck together, regardless of the MOS). He shipped off to Basic and then his duty station a few months before I even left for Basic.

During my time as a soldier I met many people, almost all of which had enlisted for reasons like David and I had. They were either in the group of patriotic Americans and children of strong military families, or they were in the group of people that just saw it as another job/stepping stone/career. Those of us that either had no other real options, needed money for school, or were just bored enough to want that kind of extreme change. I met only a handful of soldiers that seemed to join out of blind ignorance. They were soldiers that did not see the people our government said we were at war with as people. My friend Christine ended up in a Unit at Fort Bliss where she met a soldier that said he was eager to be deployed so he could kill the enemy. When she asked him why he felt they deserved to die, his response was, "Because they're different."

That kid is a good example of the third group of people that enlist; and I'm glad I did not meet many people like him, and I know that the majority of the military is made up of good people with good hearts, doing what they feel is right and something they can be proud of. Whether it's just another job, or Patriotic Pride, most soldiers are no different than any other good-hearted person you meet each day. So to think of comparing them to Nazi soldiers is something that seems so insane that it never once even crossed my mind. Why would it? It just isn't apples to apples.

But earlier today a friend shared this image with me on Facebook:

This simple cartoon completely caught me off guard and gave me an entirely new perspective. Had the comparison been the soldiers themselves, and not the civilians supporting them, I'd have forgotten about it by the time I'd clicked onto another tab. But looking at those that support troops, despite being against the reasons for the wars the troops are fighting, just blew my mind for a few moments. I'd grown up reading and hearing about WWI and how horrible the Nazis were -- Hitler was evil, the Nazis were evil -- End of Story. But they were soldiers, and many of the civilians knew this. Just like most Americans know this about our soldiers.

Now, I cannot compare anything American soldiers have done to other countries in recent years to the Holocaust (though we really were not far off with the Japanese American Internment Camps of WWII). But considering the times, the information available to the soldiers, and what they'd been raised to believe; I can no longer think that they were all evil people doing evil things because they loved evil. I'm reminded of articles and interviews about former Nazi soldiers that were haunted by the things that they had done, and I now think that they might have been the majority, and not a small minority. I could very well be wrong, but I honestly see the similarities now. Doing things that they know are wrong, but feel are necessary steps to be taken in order to protect their families, their country, and to insure the very best for future generations.

Now, don't go and take that last sentence out of context. Nothing justifies the horrible things that happen during times of war, regardless of which side you are looking at. No fucking excuse. However, that doesn't stop good people from doing unspeakably horrible things.

This brings me to the point of this entry: Despite the cartoon being a jab at Americans in support of American troops, it gave me a new view of how people in other countries see us. I've always thought it was because we are, in comparison to other countries; the snarky, know-it-all teenager that has no impulse control and serious issues with needing attention. I know that many of the casualties of our wars have been innocent people that did not deserve the kind of pain and suffering they received [Does anyone really deserve it?]. I just never connected the dots between thinking about each person as an individual and thinking of the citizens of those countries as a whole. How the people whose countries we are fighting in may not see us the way people in other industrialized countries see us, or as religious fundamentalists do. Instead of seeing the snarky teen or the evil infidels that need to die in the name of Allah, what they see may be more akin to a Nazi with stars on their sleeve.

I've grown to live with the annoyance of being seen as part of a culture that represents itself as the vapid teenager of the world. I'm even able to deal with religious extremists that think we should die for believing and acting differently from the ways that their ancient texts say we should act. This new view, though, that I am part of a culture that is also seen as I was raised to see the government and soldiers in Nazi Germany... I don't really know how to process this. Is this shame? Is this anger? Simply frustration? Perhaps all of these and more, I'm honestly not sure.

My views of my fellow soldiers and Americans has not really changed. I still know that people are mostly good. I still know and believe that I am lucky to be living in a country as wonderful as America, despite what all of the political nutjobs (civilians as well as politicians) want us to believe during election years. I do not believe our government is inherently evil and out to destroy the country for money. I believe most politicians get into politics because they honestly want to help people; and that a mixture of power, ignorance, and greed can lead them astray. Those that do not succumb to these things, are not just bad people, but people with their hearts in the right place being directed by misguided personal beliefs and moral misconceptions.  I'm just not sure what it is I'm feeling with this new perspective: We are seen by others the same way we were shown the Nazis and the Nazis were seen by many good people the same way our country sees our own soldiers.

As a soldier, I was never placed into a situation where I would have been asked or forced to commit any act that I felt was immoral. My actions as a soldier representing my country were always honorable. I did some stupid stuff, and I made some bad choices. None of then, however, were in the line of duty nor did they bring any kind of attention to my country or uniform. Just leftover teen angst and narcissistic self loathing still hanging around from my teens.

I was still a soldier, though. When we think of the Nazi soldiers and how horrible they were, do we think about those that were placed in areas where they never had to fire a weapon or do anything other than sit around waiting for orders? Do we think, "Well, that soldier wasn't one of the bad ones"? No, they were a soldier in the Nazi army, so they deserve the same amount of contempt as every other anonymous Nazi soldier.

So how does one help to eliminate this kind of view of himself and his country? Where could the solution to something like this be hiding? In a Catch-22 of Politics. It always comes back to politics, and politics are the very reason we are seen this way in the first place. With a government bent on being the Alpha Dog in the eyes of the governments of all other countries (which many of those countries hold the same view of themselves), we have instilled in our citizens the need to be the center of attention. Not a very good quality to have, as it has made us one of the most vain countries on the planet. I am no exception to this.

My intentions were not to write a political blog, and most definitely not to support or imply that I am anything other than a Centrist when it comes to politics; but this cartoon has taken my train of thought from a new view of myself, to political thoughts about how I can help change this stigma. With that being said, I'm going to briefly mention one of the GOP nominees from earlier this year: Ron Paul. I would not vote for him, nor will I ever vote for his son, because I think they are insane and unqualified for any political office. Ron did, however, have a few key points that I agreed with and one in particular that I feel applies to this topic (just not to the misguided extremes to which he talks about). That is staying out of the affairs of other countries. Plain, simple, and correct. I believe there are times to get involved, so long as money is not the reason. Anything that threatens our freedoms, for example. A war with an ally that is clearly going to spread into other countries and eventually our own; like with Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Nazi Germany, etc. Any other reasons for being involved are more than likely about power, and not about the welfare of the citizens of any country involved.

This ideal is a good one. Stay out of things that do not concern or affect us, and stop being an attention whore. However, this is where I stop agreeing with Dr. Paul, and it is the last I'm mentioning of him in this entry. I do not want my thoughts getting lost in a sea of political bullshit.

So how does a country that has been hogging so much of the spotlight for so long, just walk away from it? Do we pull a Greta Garbo and say, "I want to be alone"? Do we just say, "Sorry about being a dick for so many years. We promise to be nicer from now on"? Or do we just say, "I'm out" and drop the mic like a boss? Even more important than that, though, is whether or not we can step back without any negative repercussions from countries that we may have pissed off over the years.

Unfortunately, before we can make any drastic political changes like this, we must instill in our children/citizens the need to be informed above the need to be famous and/or popular. We need to teach/remind everyone how to think instead of what to think, so that we can improve the system in which we educate one another. It isn't enough to vote when the people that should be in charge are not eligible to run for office because of the experiences of their childhood that helped shape them into someone with the understanding needed to hold that political office in the first place. We need to teach the importance of making decisions and forming serious opinions using reason, logic, and thinking of everyone affected in place of using emotion and selfish personal beliefs. While we still have political parties that strive to separate our nation to the point that even talking about politics is considered a social taboo, rather than having qualified representatives working together [with and for the people] to make life better for everyone, voting will not be enough. We need a new standard in what qualifies someone to hold political office; and it needs to start with removing the idea that no one can do it better than a rich white man. Being a lawyer, a doctor, successful business man, or any other profession that is common among politicians is not enough. Yes, being in any of those positions will help with being able to speak well and/or argue any opinion you may have as it relates to the topic at hand. They have traits that make them great at telling people what they want to hear in order to get their support. These are all great traits to have in a politician, but what about these professions implies that they are actually qualified to speak so confidentially about anything outside of their profession? How does a business man, OBGYN, or Intellectual Property lawyer become an expert in global economics, international relations, or military strategies if they have never been a global economist, studied international political policies, or been a military strategist? We can find similarities in the thought processes of each of these, but why are we choosing people with jobs that have a McDonald's version of the experience needed in place of people that are actual experts in those fields? Why vote for Dane Cook when we could have Louis CK?

This is the loop that my sleep deprived, caffeine crashing brain has been trapped in today, all because of one tiny sentence in one goddamn political cartoon someone shared with me on Facebook.

Bored at work, annoyed with people on Facebook, and sick of having a broken rib.

I feel like I need to post something since it has been a while, and the last entry I started, I was unable to finish before the inspiration and motivation left me. Maybe after posting this one and a couple others, it will come back to me.

I think I'll make this entry about a recent Facebook group I made for the friends in my list. I tend to lose a few friends a week because of my posts about atheism and/or anti-religious stances. It is frustrating, but it happens. Oh well.

Recently, though, I have been losing good friends not because I'm an atheist that likes talking about it, but because of the other atheists that post on my posts. Most of the time I have not posted anything, and they have just taken whatever asshole comment someone else says as my own. That's bullshit! I am not my friends, or anyone else I know. I do not believe in a God, and many of my friends do not believe in a God. That is one thing we have in common, and says very little about who we are. Do not assume I share their opinions on anything, just because we agree on one thing. That is a stupid thing to do.

I created a group to put some of my more religious friends in. Mostly for the ones that seem to get attacked whenever they make a post on something I have posted; but also because I'm sick of getting these dramatic posts on my wall from people I've known since childhood, telling me that they just cannot take my atheist posts anymore. They are just too much for them to handle, and they will still be praying for me and they still love me. They just don't, you know, want anything to do with me. It fucking sucks, and is so frustrating and discouraging.

So I made this group and started putting in people that are offended by atheism. Also, anyone that said they wanted in there because religious posts from anyone is annoying, and they'd rather just look at the funny things that I post.

I got quite a few messages from people thanking me, and telling me I was a good friend for doing this. They were all nice, and so sincere. They were happy I was hiding atheist things from them, not protecting them from senseless attacks from strangers on the internet.

I feel so weak, pathetic, defeated, and hypocritical. Sick to my stomach.

Why does hiding a major part of who I am make me a good person? When did I do something to make anyone believe I was a bad person? How is my not being able to believe in something that has no evidence that it even exists, a bad thing? Not only does it not have any evidence to support it whatsoever, but what knowledge we do have about the universe, is evidence to the contrary of what religion claims. So why is my preferring the truth over fiction, preferring to be good without threats, preferring to love without rewards, preferring to seek knowledge over ignorance; such a horrible thing? I am fucking proud of these virtues. Being thanked for hiding them is disgusting. Becoming too tired to do otherwise, is depressing me.

Let's set that aside, though. Lets excuse their wanting me to keep that to myself as people needing to believe in something for comfort, and not being able to handle any criticism about it. That's understandable, and I am not going to hate on someone for not having faith enough to handle it. I just see that as someone who knows what they believe is bullshit, but they really need the comfort is gives them. I will respect that to an extent. I'll twist some justification out of it.

With that set aside, what still eats at my core is none of the people upset over my atheist posts have thought to make a group that hides their religious posts from people like me. Especially when the updates are excusing hateful and bigoted comments about people of a certain race, sexuality, belief system, country, etc. Or how about the constant posts that these people make about how horrible the father's of their children are, how they hate drama (yet post about nothing else), how they have so many haters (apparently their haters do not understand that they are "REAL and not FAKE"), etc. It saddens me to know that people their age still act and think like that.

Sure, I can block the posts from my news feed and/or delete these people. Simple solution. Well, I have done that. If I don't like the posts someone makes, I block the posts. If I don't like the person, they are removed from my list. That is done. I do, however, go through my list and try my best to keep up with everyone on it. Commenting on photos, links, updates, etc. What's the point in having them on my list if I don't communicate with them at least a little? That's just weird. I don't add people just to add to the number of friends I have, I do it to keep in touch, catch up, and network. I'm damn good at it, too. You'd be hard-lucked to find someone in my list that I can't tell you about. When searching for something to comment on, however, I have to sort through a ton of bullshit. Same things over and over. I make it a point to post more generic and/or humorous things than religious/political so that others do not have to endure the same thing with me. Doesn't take a lot of effort.

The thing is, the ones that get the most upset over what I post, are the ones that I talk with the most. That means they are the ones that know me the best. The ones that [should] know that I am not some evil asshole out to make everyone feel like shit. They know that I am a good person, that I love everyone I meet until given reason to do otherwise. Yet, they forget everything they know about me the moment I say. "I do not believe in God; but I do believe in treating all humans equally regardless of their faith, race, gender, sexuality, or nationality. People should be judged by their actions, not their thoughts."

Funnily enough, they are also the ones that talk the most about how horrible their relationships and jobs are. They blame other people for what goes wrong, they thank God for what goes right and the most ridiculous things ever, and they constantly say the most retardedly cliche things as if they are deep insights that no one else has ever thought before. Things that I ignore when I can't think of anything nice to say. In fact, everything I say outside of my wall is always really nice. Even if I am disagreeing with someone, or correcting them when they say something factually wrong. Or I explain why voting against someone without knowing who will be running against them, is a dangerous thing to do when based on an incorrect assumption about an irrelevant personal thing of the candidate that they oppose. This is even more frustrating since I choose to not vote, and do not care who they vote for and just wanted to help them be more informed so they didn't regret their choice after it was too late to change their mind.

Fuck it. The more I type and read back what I'm typing, the more I realize I'm the only one trying to maintain these relationships. If their idea of trying to maintain a relationship is praying that I'll stop seeking knowledge and start believing in fairy tales, then let them leave. Let them block me, delete me, or even tell me how horrible I am for thinking the Bible is bullshit; even though they agree with me on every other religion being bullshit.

This is the worst entry I've made yet, but it is the one that has felt the most therapeutic. The next one will likely be about religion, and how I came to realize that I am an atheist. Also why I choose to call myself an atheist.

Choices Schmoices

Living in the Bible Belt, the topic of homosexuality comes up quite a bit. Seems to be a favorite among rednecks and the religious right.

One of the things that comes up the most in this, is how homosexuals choose to be homosexuals. It is among their most used arguments for anything that does not agree with what they do/think. This is especially funny (by which I mean annoyingly frustrating), since none of them made the choice to be straight, religious, etc.

My normal response to this is as follows:

If sexuality were truly a choice, I would be gay.

Quick, simple, and to the point.

If not the person I am talking to, someone who heard will always ask me, "Why?"

I don't say that just to shut up the person I am talking to, because it is a very true statement. One that I was still not comfortable enough to admit until a year or so ago (mostly because I was afraid it would make me sound bitter for being straight, and belittle how amazing my wife and [now also] son are). Also, the people that ask why, are not always anti-gay. Some are very passionate supporters of gay rights, and some are even gay themselves. I always stumble around my answers, and do all I can to avoid it. The situation is never one in which I can really explain why, and I am not always comfortable opening up that much with every person that brings up that lame argument of choice when there is no choice.

I'm going to try and explain now, though.

Like most awkward children growing up, I felt different from everyone else. Like an outcast that didn't fit in, or belong to any group of people. Also, like most children growing up, I had no clue that pretty much everyone else at the time felt this way. Perhaps that can be contributed to how easily we all got along and played in the first 5 to 6 years of our lives, before we learn to segregate ourselves based on things that are almost always beyond our control; at which time we only notice ourselves being shunned, and see everyone else as still going about in total bliss.

Whatever the reasons, it was around this time (the end of 2nd grade) that I truly started to feel different from everyone else. Home life wasn't ideal, but what child of the 80s and 90s can really say their home life was ideal? I was another product of the times. A child with divorced parents being raised by his grandparents. As I got older, I discovered this was far more common in my area than the typical nuclear family.

I was one of the shy kids that didn't know where the middle ground was between being super shy, and being the obnoxiously loud class clown (this did not change until I was in my early 20s, and even now I often have difficulty). I had a couple of friends, but no matter what group of friends I was with, I was always the odd one out. Too skinny, too much of a sissy, too weird, etc. If I was with the athletic friends, I was too analytical of everything (a.k.a. nerd), and with the smart kids I was too dumb. I only really felt accepted when hanging out with my aunt, but she was getting older (she is 5 years my senior) and her older friends all treated me like a baby, which is something people do far too often to those younger than themselves. I really can't think of too many things more frustrating than someone talking down to you because you are younger than they are.

I spent the rest of my academic career like this. Finding a group of friends, and feeling just a tad bit out of place with them. The older I got, the more dumb and broken I felt. I was in and out of special ed until someone mentioned I might have a learning disorder that medication would help, and then I spent the next decade medicated with little to no follow-up by the doctors giving out the pills.

But now I'm getting ahead of myself.

When I was around 10 to 12 years old, I started seeing talk shows that were talking to gay men and women; and noticing movies dealing with discrimination against homosexuals. I watched and listened to these people explaining why they should not be hated for who they are, so long as they are not hurting anyone. It made sense to me, but no one around me seemed to agree. At least not anyone that was vocal about the subject.

After a while, I noticed how diverse these groups of people being interviewed were. How open and accepting they seemed to be of everyone, regardless of where they were from, what they believed in, what color their skin was, etc. They didn't even care if you were gay or straight, just so long as you were yourself and open to loving and accepting everyone for who they were. And on top of everything, not a single one of them seemed to be shy once they were openly vocal about their sexual orientation.

That was all I needed. It was what I had been searching for: A group that wouldn't make me feel weird, that wouldn't see me as the dumb kid, or the eccentric boy talking to rocks. They were like hippies that shaved and bathed.

But I had no clue how to contact any gay groups for the West Georgia area, and Atlanta was a long way for a 12 year old to ride his bike.

Then one day I overheard my mother and sister talking. My sister was on the couch, and our mother at the sink in the kitchen. I don't know how the conversation started, but the parts that I caught were all about me and my sexuality. Apparently my sister thought my being too shy to speak to girls was a sign that I was gay. Now, coming from the area that we do, and knowing how most everyone we knew reacted to things back then, I was shocked to hear our mother say it didn't matter if I was gay or not. She said it was my choice, and no one else's. My immediate reaction was to come out of the hallway and tell them I wasn't gay... Which I did. I felt like someone being blamed for a fart that wasn't theirs, only looking more and more guilty as they tried to deny it.

The comment stuck with me for a long time, though. It was my choice. So I made that choice. I decided if I couldn't fit into a heterosexual world, I was going to fit into a homosexual one. I just needed to figure out how to make myself like dudes.

 As it turns out, that's damn near impossible. I'd like to say it is impossible, but I've met some people that can convince themselves into believing just about anything.

I knew not to call myself gay, because that would get me beat up more than I was already getting beat up, and it would likely be a lot more brutal. I'd seen an episode of Hard Copy (could have been another late night show), that talked about the death of Brandon Teena. I wasn't about to get myself killed over something I had not yet become.

I tried to make myself think about men in the same manner that I thought about women (which was all the fucking time). I couldn't do it. The thought of being with a man physically, even before I had ever been with a woman, was disgusting. You could just say the word "woman" and my mind was instantly filled with the most perverted thoughts imaginable, while my bodily was immediately looking for a place in which to release these thoughts. Try to throw a guy into the mix, and my penis would try to crawl backward inside of me in order to rip out my intestines and shove them out of my ass. The thought of anything entering my butthole made me want to cry, and hesitant to even go to the bathroom.

It just wasn't happening.

I eventually gave up trying to be gay, and gave into my obsession with women. Then it happened again. Two people talking about my sexuality while they thought I was passed out drunk. When I was a kid I was gay for not talking to girls. Then, as an almost adult, I was gay because of the number of women I was with. Apparently I was overcompensating, rather than being a young guy doing what all young guys want to do.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I was overcompensating for regressed feelings that I was unable to bring to the surface on my own. Perhaps I needed to experiment to find out the truth. To bring the Gay out of me, so I could be who I'd always wanted.

Yeah, that didn't work. That didn't even come close to working. In fact, all that did was show me how gross other men are, and how easily my lifestyle and personal hygiene could easily be called "girly" in comparison. Men are filthy whether they are straight or gay, and it makes me glad I was raised in a home full of women. Seriously guys, you're all fucking gross.

It wasn't until I had a conversation with a homeless man (I recommend talking to any homeless person that has not asked for money, given a long bullshit story, or that has something for sale that isn't stolen; like flowers. They'll share a wisdom and outlook with you, that no one else can or will) outside of a bar near Ft. Gordon, that I truly accepted my heterosexuality. He told me how, when he was a kid, his parents sent him to one of those camps that are supposed to make gay children straight. No matter how hard those children tried to be straight, or even how straight they acted; at the end of each day, they were still gay. The only thing they were learning, was how to deny what they were, and how to convince others that their denial was truth.

Then he asked me why I'd want to put myself through the same thing, just to get onto the underdog's team.

Three things hit me then:

1. I didn't need to be a part of any group, especially if it meant changing who I was.
2. I am was more comfortable sitting on a sidewalk talking with a mentally unstable homeless man like Phillip, than I was inside the bar behind us.
3. The only choice in sexuality, is the choice to accept or deny who you are. A gay man having straight sex, is still a gay man; and there are a lot of straight people in prison willing to confirm that gay sex doesn't make someone gay.


That night I stopped wondering if I was secretly gay, and just unaware, and realized I'm just too fucking awesome to fit into any one group.



For anyone that may be reading this and thinking my explanation for why I wanted to be gay but couldn't, is just anecdotal bullshit that does nothing but show how my mind is a little warped and broken; I am posting links below.


Biological versus nonbiological older brothers and men’s sexual orientation

The Science of Homosexuality

Biology Behind Homosexuality

Homosexuality: Nature or Nurture

Because I can't not post a Cracked article

Assumptions

There are a lot of assumptions that are made about me all of the time. For instance, whenever someone I know discovers Goatse for the first time (yes, there are still people that have not even heard of this), they send it to me with a message saying that it made them think of me and they knew I'd love it.

What. The. Fuck. ?. !.

I've never done anything to make people think that I'd enjoy something like that. At least, I hope I haven't. Sad thing is, that isn't even the worst of the disgusting fetish shit on the Internet that people have sent to me. Just the most well known.

The truth is, I don't search for links to anything anymore. I haven't in years. I don't have to, because people are constantly sending them to me. Everyone else does the work for me. So the content of the things that I post should really be judged by the people that share them with me, and I should get thanked for filtering out the things that I do. ;)

Another example of this is my views on Politics. It is constantly assumed that I am either Liberal or a Libertarian. Occasionally I'll get someone that seems to think that I am a Conservative. I am not any of those things. I am anti-political party. If I had to be labeled a party, it would be a Centrist. Which roughly means I fucking hate Political Parties, and think that the idea of choosing ONE party with any kind of agenda, to run our country; is fucking retarded. Each is flawed, each is wrong; and the lesser of any evil, is still evil.

It is rare to find anyone that is as knowledgeable about the entire Political System (each candidate, what is being voted on, how each option will truly affect our country, what claims being made are true, why the promises made cannot be kept immediately if at all, etc.) as they claim to be. I'd go so far as to say that NO ONE is as knowledgeable as they claim to be. Politically charged people spend way too much time finding reasons why opposing opinions and ideas will not work, rather than actually testing and truly researching the ideas and opinions of all sides to determine why this or that will or will not work. Meeting in the middle just isn't going to happen, even though that is where the answers are waiting. It is no different than the way religious people spend more time justifying their beliefs to others, than actually trying to understand why they believe what they do.

Speaking of Religion...

Religion was the inspiration for this entry. Or, at least, the subject of religion helped to inspire this entry. I'm an Atheist, and the worst assumptions about me are made by other Atheists. Many seem to take my view of religion as being one of Hate and Animosity. While, yes, I do feel that way when it comes to religion and certain subjects that it boils over into; I do not hate the Belief in any God or Gods. If Religion was just a belief system held by people, that had no impact on my life, I would not care about it. Atheists like me get asked all the time why we even care what others think, and then not given the chance to really explain. Usually assumptions are made that we have some cliche reasons for it. That just isn't true at all. At least not for me.

My issues with Religion are not at all with the belief in something that doesn't exist (or that cannot be proven to exist), but with using those beliefs to push an unethical agenda onto others. Using a politician's religious beliefs to convince others to vote or not vote for them, regardless of their stances are on relevant topics; is wrong. Using Religion to influence any kind of government decision, and ostracizing everyone else with any kind of belief system that does not match it; is wrong. Using Religion to define a personal and spiritual commitment between two people, and then making it law so that any two people making that commitment outside of the guidelines set by said religion are unable to make this commitment; is fucking wrong. If Religion is going to have the right to define what marriage is, then the Government should not reward people that are married with financial and legal benefits. Forcing schools to teach the "Theory of Intelligent Design" instead of Evolution, is so retarded I shouldn't even be mentioning it. A public school is paid for with tax dollars from the American public, and they do not all believe in Fairy Tales, and should not have to pay for it. We deserve to have the truth taught to our children, and any religious views taught at home and church. And do the people that call their faith "The Theory of Intelligent Design" even know what a Theory is? No. The answer to that question is "No."

All of those things [and more] impact my life on a daily basis, and have nothing to do with belief itself. Believe in your God, Love like your God says you should love, follow any rules your God gives you (so long as they do not involve forcing your bullshit on others), and keep it to your fucking self. If you want to discuss it with someone, then do so (and allow others to respond), but do not try to force those views on others.

Now for the Atheists that take my being an Atheist as a sign that says, "Hey everyone! I'm an Activist and Extremest in the name of Atheism! My goal is to make you feel stupid because I'm right, and you're wrong!"

That's bullshit. I'm far too lazy and narcissistic to be an Activist or Extremest for anything. I can't even stop eating at Chic-Fil-A to protest their support of Anti-Gay organizations. I know they are not Anti-Gay, and that they do not support those organizations for their Anti-Gay beliefs, but for the other things they support. But they should understand that when you financially support someone/something, you have to make sure you support EVERYTHING that they do. I know this, but I can't stop eating there. Have you had their Chicken Club Sandwich or Nuggets and Polynesian Sauce? That shit is amazing! You can't taste hate. But if you can, and it tastes like Polynesian Sauce, then I might have to reevaluate my entire outlook on Life.

I digress. That's a subject for another day. What I'm getting at here, is that just because I don't believe in God, does not mean that I automatically want to team up with other Atheists to attack the religious without just cause. Hell, I don't even want to do it with just cause. At least not for being religious. If they are protesting abortion clinics or protesting against homosexuality, then fuck yeah I want to attack them. But that is their personality and social mentality more than their religious faith. Their faith is just the excuse they use to justify their hate, ignorance, and fear of the things that they do not understand.

I don't want to be known as Jason the Atheist. I'd much rather be known as Jason. Just Jason. If I had to be given a title, I'd hope to get something better than Jason the Atheist. Something like Jason the Writer, Thinker, Engineer (if I ever finish my degrees), Scientist (again if I am ever able to finish my degrees), or perhaps just Jason the Awesome.

I have no agenda, and I do not want to be lumped into anyone else's agenda based on one asinine opinion that we may have in common.

When I grow up, I want to be...

This is actually a journal entry to myself, that my wife said I should post here.

When I was a kid, I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. Every kid is asked that at several points in their life. Most know what they want right then, but forget and change it later. Laugh about it when they're older, and think about how much simpler life was when they just wanted to be a fireman, athlete, ballerina, rockstar, movie star, etc. Others aren't sure what they want to be when they're children, and more never figure it out as adults.

Some, though, know what they want from the start, and they never lose focus. They become exactly what they wanted, and they do not let anyone or anything, get in their way.

Like many others, I'm somewhere in the middle of all of that. I knew very early what I wanted to be, and I never forgot it. But I lacked the motivation and fortitude to work toward it. I let myself let myself give up.

When I was a kid, and I was asked for the first time what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didn't hesitate to let everyone know that I wanted to be a Mad Scientist. My aunt will still bring it up every now and then and we'll all laugh.

I still want to be a Mad Scientist when I grow up.

The first time I said it, everyone laughed. Not in a teasing me kind of way, but in the way people laugh when a kid says something unexpected and adorable, because you feel they're too young to truly understand what they are saying (something we never stop doing to anyone younger than us, or newer to something than we are). I held on to this answer until someone closer to my age asked me why I wanted to be a bad guy, and then the laughing started making me feel embarrassed. I thought I had chosen the wrong thing to be. No one else at school wanted to be any kind of scientist.

I wish now, I could have had the confidence to explain what I thought a Mad Scientist was. Maybe if I had, I would be one now. Don't worry, though, I do not dwell on “maybes” and “what might have beens” like this sounds. I wouldn't have the experiences that helped me to build the confidence and philosophical mindset that I have now, if I'd lived any of those other possible lives.

When I first said I wanted to be a Mad Scientist, I was not thinking about an evil man in a lab coat creating homicidal grunts to do my evil bidding. What I was thinking about, was the scientist that did what all other scientists said was impossible. Creating portals through time, into other worlds, genetically engineering creatures that would not exist otherwise; genetically altering people to be stronger, faster, healthier, and happier. Creating life from the lifeless. Regenerating lost limbs, curing Cancer and AIDS (both of which were always on the TV in the 80s. AIDS especially). Finding ways to make people invisible, to pass through solid objects, move faster than light. I wanted to do all of the things that every scientist in every science fiction show has done since the first science fiction show was ever written. Crazy things and not so crazy things. I just wanted to do what I'd been told couldn't be done.

I wanted to be like Dr. Frankenstein, Doc Brown, Dr. Jekyll, Albert Einstein, Nicola Tesla, Dr. Who, and even the man that built Inspector Gadget. Pretty much everyone that I saw when watching television with my grandfather, or heard about while he and my grandmother played pinochle with their friends.

The older I got, the more I learned about these people, and the more I wanted to be like them. In my entire academic career (which isn't saying much), I have only written 5 essays. One about Baseball that I wrote on the bus ride to school the day it was due (which I'm proud to say I lost points on it, because Mrs. Bryant thought I copied it straight out of the fake sources I listed), one about the movie Blade for my GED test, one about the effects drug abuse during pregnancy does to the child later in life, and two about Albert Einstein. It would have been one about Albert and one about Tesla, but Tesla was taken the second time around and I was allowed to choose Einstein again. One about his life, and who he is; the other about his theory of relativity. Neither of them got me any kind of attention, nor did they say anything about my level of intelligence at the time. I only mention them, because I wrote them. I was a poor student, and I had trouble doing any kind of homework. I was not lazy, and it did not bore me because I was too smart for it. I just couldn't do it, because I wasn't excited about it. But learning about these people I'd always wanted to be like, was exciting and inspiring. I didn't have trouble focusing, or finding the words to use. I probably didn't format them correctly, or present the subject matter in the order that one should present it; but I was excited and motivated enough to do it.

Now I'm almost 30 years old, and with each passing day, I want more and more to be that Mad Scientist that I gave up on as a child. When I turn on my television and see Dr. Michio Kaku talking about how many of the impossible things I dreamed doing, are theoretically possible, I get excited. I change channels and then see Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson talking so passionately about space exploration, black holes, and the creation of our Universe; I get so excited I want to cry.

I am 28 years old. I am an aspiring writer and Mad Scientist. I have only a GED, almost no formal education beyond the 9^th grade, and a boat load of imagination. Before my son's second birthday, I will be on my way to becoming that Mad Scientist I said I'd be when I was 4. I will no longer be just a dreamer with goals I'm afraid to follow. I will finish a book. I will get it published. I will earn a bachelor's degree in Mechatronic Engineering, and then a PhD in physics (I'll decide which as I learn more about them all).

I will also own a Delorean DMC-12.