Double Standards Of Parenting

The toughest thing about being a parent is dealing with other people. Doesn't matter if they have children or not, almost everyone seems to have an opinion on what all parents are supposed to do if they are to be a good parent. Throw in something about yourself that doesn't fit in with the All-American nuclear family idea from the 50's, and you've got a whole new set of things you’re doing wrong coming your way. You could be a parent that is LGBTQ, a different race from the person you had you child(ren) with, different religion from the norm you were raised around, political views that are not in line with any social norms, or even someone that is just a lover of tattoos and other body modifications. There are so many things that will drive people to telling you just how wrong you are for having that thing you have that they do not also have.

I have a few of them. Politically I am a Centrist, which basically means I hate politics and choosing a side, which often ends in all sides accusing me of being whatever opposing side they are upset with at that moment. I am a lover of tattoos, and am always working toward expanding my collection (or updating my canvas, if you will). My son’s mother is not the same race that I am, from the same country (though technically U.S. territories are “part” of the US, it is another country), nor do we share the same native language (and yet her mastery of the English language goes far beyond my own, and I don’t speak any other languages). I’m also an atheist, which I’m sure comes as no surprise to anyone reading this blog.

It is very rare that anyone brings up politics as a reason to tell me I’m wrong. This is likely because I do not talk about politics very often. My hatred/annoyance of them keeps me from discussing them, not because I do not care about the state of my country, but because it is almost always people arguing over who has the better oranges and what it takes to grow a great orange and the best methods of juicing oranges, then they go and vote on apples and kiwis. Same with my son being of mixed races, which is more than likely because his mother is fair skinned and does not speak with the accent one would expect of someone from Puerto Rico (though every last one of her friends and family members I have met from there have an accent). I have a lot of tattoos, but no longer wear any body jewelry, so I do not get the stares I used to get, and the quality of my ink is amazing, which is something even the most hateful of tattoo haters cannot deny. So I rarely get anything negative from those people other than how ugly my skin will look when I’m 80. No, the main thing people love to attack me for, is being an atheist. Maybe it is atheism that keeps them from attacking me on other fronts, or maybe our culture is truly progressing in how we accept the differences in other people. I’d like to believe that to be true.

I am going to focus on raising a child as an atheist, because that is the one thing about me that causes the most headaches from other people. Plus it is the only one that I think I can write more than a paragraph or two on before I feel like I've said all that needs to be said (I could probably write for days on LGBTQ parenting and how amazing it is for a child, but I have no firsthand experience in that, so I’ll save it for another day).

So…

As a parent, I am one of the two most influential people in my son’s life. Because of this, I am constantly working to be the very best example I can be for him. I do this in every facet of my life. What I believe in regards to religion is very important in who I am* and what kind of example I am setting for him. If I keep that from him, what kind of example am I setting? Especially when almost no other person he meets each day will keep their beliefs from him? How is my letting him grow up not knowing that I do not believe in god, while allowing the rest of his family to encourage a belief, right? It isn't. It isn't right at all.

I will not hide any part of who I am from my son, regardless of what my peers feel. I want to encourage him to always be true to himself, and open about who he is. Hiding a part of me from him will not teach him to come to conclusions on his own, it will teach him that there are parts of who we are that we have to sometimes hide when they are not in line with the ruling majority. That is the opposite of standing up for who you are, and it is not equal to the kind of “pride” one talks about when they refuse to walk away from a bad situation. It would be hypocritical of me to tell him to be proud of who he is, while appearing ashamed of who I am.

I want to raise my son to be someone that is not afraid to be open and honest with himself, and about himself. No shame in liking what he likes, loving who he loves, believing what he believes, and being whomever he turns out to be. I cannot do that if I am not setting the example by being that. How can I tell him to be open and honest about whom he is if I am hiding a major part of me from him? How can I ask him to stand up for what he believes if I am constantly censoring myself simply to keep from upsetting people that do not like anyone different from themselves?  I can’t ask him to be these things if I am not also these things, or at least trying my very best to be them.

So I will tell my son my beliefs. I will not shove them down his throat, but I will present them to him exactly as they are -- my beliefs and nothing more. I will not tell him he has to believe what I believe, nor will I push him toward it. I will simply share what and why I believe what I do, and encourage him to research and ask questions to find out what he thinks is true or not. Believe it or not, it is possible to share an opinion with someone without needing them to agree with you.

I will let him come to his own place, in his own time, and in his own way. However, I will NOT send him off to church on Sundays, Vacation Bible School during the summer, or anything else that I do not agree with or would not want to attend myself. That is not opening him up to new ideas and experiences, that is sending him off to be indoctrinated. I will not do that to him. In fact, I will not allow him to attend these things until he is old enough to ask to go because he wants to and not because a family member or friend told him to ask after making it sound like going to the park for free candy. Their intentions be damned.

So, no, I do not have any intentions of pointing my son down a path I believe to be false and harmful simply because I walked that path to get to where I am. That’s stupid, and in my not so humble opinion, bad parenting. I am his father, and it is my job to teach him the lessons that I have learned, not sit back in silence waiting for him to make the same mistakes. I am to clear the paths that I walk in order to make the road he is to start out on. That way he is not repeating my lessons (though many will be repeated) and can focus on finding his own paths to clear for his children and future generations.

One thing that is often brought up in parental conversations is: “You were raised with religion, and you were able to come to your own conclusions and leave it. Don’t you think your son should do the same? Shouldn't you allow him to come to that conclusion the same way you did? Isn't it more rewarding that way?” The short answer to that is “no.” The long answer to that is, “Fuck no, you goddamned dolt.” You see, for [most] atheists that deconverted from the religion they were raised in, it is fucking horrible giving that up. We’re often accused of only being able to be atheists because of a traumatic experience, when the truth is leaving behind the religious faith we’d always known is extremely traumatic. Not just because of the fall out that often happens with friends and family, but because that is giving up a core part of your being. Mix that with being from a country in which odds are pretty high that you will instantly become the black sheep (if you weren't already) by no longer believing what everyone around you believes, and you've got one hell of an internal battle going on inside your mind that should not even be going on.

My response to this question is often countered by being told it should be something that is difficult to go through and decide like that. They say, “Whether or not you believe in a god is the most important ideological decision anyone will ever make.” To which my palm magically transforms into a placeholder for my face. Belief is not a choice, it is the conclusion drawn from the data processed by your mind. But more than that, the battle going on inside the mind is not whether or not to believe in a higher power, but whether or not we should accept it. The fight is in trying to deny the conclusion you've already come to, because it isn't the conclusion you expected or that the people you love came to. It is in trying to hide it, and in trying to make it go away so that you can just be normal [again] like everyone else. I imagine it is quite similar to someone fighting the realization that they are gay. At least that is what I have been told by LGBTQ atheists and how it sounds when talking to LGBTQ friends about their experiences coming to grips with finally admitting who they were to themselves.

I know many believe that in an ideal world, one would keep their personal beliefs personal and let each other person in the world decide what it is that they want to believe for themselves. Luckily, this is not that ideal world, and very few people my son meets are going to keep their personal beliefs personal. If they did, we would not have the literature that we have, the music, movies, TV shows, etc etc. We would not have the art that we have. We cannot grow without some kind of challenge, and we get that through sharing personal parts of ourselves with one another. Granted, this is not always done in the best of ways, but most of the time it is.

What is frustrating about this, is the knowledge that when it comes to people who do and do not share their personal beliefs with him, it is the atheists that are the least likely to share. Even those that know I am an atheist are going to bite their tongue more often than not if the subject arises around him. If they do share, it will not have any detail, because most will not know what I believe other than what I do not believe, and have no clue how social stigmas impact my parenting style. Plus it can feel pretty damn uncomfortable sharing that with a child. Because you never know what parent is going to get upset with you, you try to avoid speaking about them at all costs. Hell, I don’t even talk about it with my brothers without feeling like I am going to upset their mother. I will answer their questions, but I have never told them to stop believing in a god because Christianity is all bullshit anyway. No matter how much doubt they had at the time of coming to me, I never gave them any kind of a push. Just encouragement to keep asking questions and learning as much as they can in order to come to the most accurate conclusion they can. Mostly, though, I let them know that no matter what, they were loved, not alone, and would be okay. Their mother and my father and most everyone else in our family are Christians, and not a single one of them would have spoken with them in the same manner. Had they been approached by someone showing the kind of doubts they have shown me, they would respond by telling them they are being tested by Satan, telling them that they don’t really have doubts because they “know” god is real, and whatever else they could think of to keep them from walking away from Christianity. All with good intentions, and no realization at just how cult-like it is to do that to someone.

I can’t blame them for that kind of thinking, though. If you honestly believe people that do not have faith or belief in your god are going to burn in Hell for all of eternity, and you do not try and warn them, you’re not a very good person. I’m not talking about pushing something onto them long after they have told you to stop, but just reminding them why they once believed or offering them something you think might be super insightful in hopes of saving them. Yes, I will get frustrated with this, and I will even make fun of you if your “insight” is ridiculous enough. I won’t, however, lose respect for you so long as you are being respectful in your presentation (which I cannot make fun of you if you accomplish this). I understand that with this mentality, hearing that an atheist is sharing their beliefs to someone at an influential age is probably equal to someone trying to sentence your child to death, which I imagine is scary as fuck. I can’t accept it as absolute, though. I cannot look at the reasons, understand why they are this way, and then refuse to try and change them. If I am to believe that someone with those beliefs should share them with me, then I also have to believe that my opinions and beliefs should be shared with them. Neither are any less important than the other. We need to hear each other in order to accept each other and especially if we are to love one another.

As I am writing this, I am realizing so many ways in which I still censor myself for others. I can no longer do this. I’m not going to start running around telling every kid I see that there is probably no god, but I am no longer going to avoid the question when a child asks (or anyone else for that matter), regardless of whom the child is or who their parents are. I’m not hiding it anymore.

So long as he keeps smiling, I don't care what he does or does not believe in.

*Atheism is not important to me as in it defines me, but in that it is a major reason why I am as open and accepting as I am (or am not, depending on who you ask). However, I do not believe it would be very important at all if I were raised in a country that is predominately atheist. I've posted previously about this here and here.

I just don't think god is necessary for living a good life.

In my last post I talked about how most conversations pertaining to religion with an atheist (this includes talking to other atheists) tend to be why we do not believe in the religions we were taught and/or the other available religions in the world. What aspect of each we find ridiculous, immoral, and factually wrong. In all honesty, those conversations are nearly always the same, and I'm sick of them. Why I do not believe in a god or gods is irrelevant to who I am. Why I do not need to believe in a god or gods, however, is an insight into the true depths of the kind of human I am.

So I want to try and explain why I do not need a god, rather than why I do not believe in any religion. Because this isn't a format that I am used to speaking in, or have ever heard/read, I apologize if it still comes across as why I do not believe in Christianity in many parts. I am most familiar with Christianity, so the examples I give will mostly be from that particular faith, though the claims are pretty universal when it comes to mainstream organized religion.

Here are six reasons I do not need a personal god. There are most certainly more than 6 reasons one would not need a personal god, but these are the first six that come to mind. They are anecdotal, yes, because they are about me and how/why I feel this way. They are not arguments for anything, or in any way trying to convince anyone to believe anything or not believe anything. Just a little insight into some of what makes me who I am.

1. I am happier and more confident without god. Growing up a Christian in West Bumblefuck, Georgia meant "knowing" from the moment I was forming cognitive sentences, that no one could be happy without god. No one could be happy, or as happy as possible (how people are capable of quantifying their happiness in order to compare it to other happy people, is pretty fucking pretentious, and beyond me) without knowing that someone with the power to create the universe is watching over you. Watching, judging, waiting to punish you if you step out of line, "reminding" me that I am born a sinner and in need of forgiveness for being born exactly as the god I need forgiveness from created me, and offering a form of forgiveness that is only given if you ask. A god, that for all intents and purposes, loves you. That love is supposedly the only way to be truly happy. You cannot reach peak happiness without feeling the love of that god.

Well, I find that idea to be a bit silly, and cannot express how much happier I became when I let that idea go in the trash along with all of the other bad ideas I gave into as a naive child. Including believing Hunter Ethridge in the 4th grade when he told me lemon pepper made for great cologne. Yeah, I spent a full day telling creepy strangers at the mall I had no idea why I smelled so delicious.

Something I've learned, that contradicts with needing a god's love to be happy, is happiness should not depend on other people. I've observed this and been taught this, and many of those that have instilled this in me have been strong believers in a god, without realizing the contradictions of the two ideas. It's clear the idea of depending on anyone or anything other than yourself for happiness is lazy. The key, for me, is to find happiness in myself through the choices I make and actions I take. As far as the love of others goes, my happiness is not dependent on them, regardless of how affected by it I may sometimes be. This is why I choose to surround myself with people I can be happy alongside rather than people that I depend on to be happy or that depend on me to be happy.

Not only do I find myself happier taking responsibility for my own emotional well being, but I find myself feeling so free knowing that I am not under the thumb of any deity. I am so very happy and proud of myself for still wanting to be a better person without the idea of reward after death. Actually, I find myself even more motivated to be a better person now that I have let go of the idea of heaven. 

2. Identifying right from wrong is easier without god. In every major theist religion there are rules for being a good person and making that god happy. Many of those rules are good rules, like not killing other people (though these kinds of rules almost always have loopholes). These "good" rules, however, are never more than common sense. The kind of people that need someone to tell them that killing other people is bad, are not very likely to A.) Care, or B.) Have the capability to live on their own and care for themselves.

Many of these rules, however, are silly and/or morally corrupt. Rules about the fabrics you wear, how you cook your food or related to food in general, rules about hairstyle, etc.; are just ridiculous and completely ignored by most sane people. There are those, though, that are morally wrong. Not a matter of opinion, but actually WRONG. Owning slaves is wrong. Owning women is wrong. Beating a child for talking back is wrong. Getting away with rape by paying some money and marrying your victim (which in Christianity says the victim must be a virgin, which seems to be encouraging rapists to go after younger and more innocent women) is FUCKING WRONG. The list goes on to include saying who you can love and how you are allowed to love.

So how does getting over the myth of god help me tell right from wrong more easily? Simple, it allows me to decide for myself what is right and what is wrong. I do not know anyone that openly believes rape is okay under any circumstance. Unfortunately, there are many people that look at the more ignorant and reprehensible rules/laws within their given religion and support it despite how they actually feel about it. I have family and friends that I love dearly, who are opposed to certain civil and human rights simply because their religion says they should be. They have no qualms with those their beliefs affect, and actually love and respect those people up until the point their religious beliefs tell them they can't. This is wrong. It is heartbreaking, and it brings me to my third reason why I do not need a god.

3. Love and Acceptance are actually easier without god. As a believer I was constantly at war with who to love and who to accept, who to judge, and who to reject. I was a Christian, so I was told to love thy neighbor. Love everyone, accept everyone, and judge no one. Only god could judge. Only, the faith I was following and the teachers that were "educating" me in this faith all acted as if the lessons did not contradict the lesson of loving and accepting everyone. I was taught to avoid people of certain opposing faiths (or lack thereof), restrict civil liberties and human rights to those that did not follow certain rules I was told I must follow, and the list goes on. It always goes on.

The thing I noticed the most during my first week of deconversion was how beautiful people were to me. Everyone was so beautiful. Every last person I saw or heard. I truly saw and heard people for the first time the day I realized I did not need a god. It was like having a filter removed from my vision and hearing that let me see people as more than rule followers and rule breakers. Let me hear more than just words wasting my time until it was my turn to speak. People are more than that. So much more. I was able to see the joy and pain in every face I passed, and realized how unimportant those religious rules truly were. People were not sinners; they were not good or bad based on what they believed, or who they loved.

Who they loved.

How could anyone ever think love a bad thing? I was a fool for ever thinking I could define love for anyone but myself. A goddamned fool.

4. I am a better person without god. Without the threat of punishment or reward, the good things that I do are more rewarding. When I believed, no matter how genuine my actions, I still had a thought in the back of my mind wondering if it helped or hurt my chances of getting into heaven. I was more likely to compare myself to other people. I felt the need to push my beliefs onto other people, and justified this with the assumption that there was no way their life could be fulfilling without god.

The fear of punishment was a little motivating as a believer, and was always brought up in church. The fear is always there, even for the most fanatical believer. Especially for the most fanatical believers. But it wasn't the fear that really takes away from good deeds. It is the reward of heaven for being a good person. The very idea of being rewarded for worshipping a god is greedy. It is greed of the worst kind, because it is fighting for a reward so amazing it prevents you from truly enjoying the present. It turns good intentions into brownie points, and clouds judgment to the point of making us feel as if we know what is good, regardless of what those we are affecting think. As a believer I would have voted to take rights away from anyone that did not fall in line with my faith, not because I hated them for not believing what I did, but because I honestly thought it was best for them and they just didn't realize it yet. That was so very wrong. I’m ashamed of having ever had those thoughts.

I'm even more honest without god. Most everyone has doubts of some kind, at least some of the time. My first serious doubts came around age 8 or 9, and I denied them until I was 20. During that time, I did a lot of lying. Which everyone does, I know. My lies, though, I feel now had a lot more to do with my denying my doubts than I thought possible back then. Once I admitted to myself that there was probably no god, I felt this feeling of relief and joy I had never felt before. It felt like what so many believers had told me the Holy Spirit felt. Only, the cause of my feelings was not caused by a placebo, but by me being completely honest with myself for the first time in 12 years. I openly admitted something I had been hiding for over a decade, and it felt amazing. Since then I have strove to be as open and honest about everything as I possibly can, and it has helped me become a better person. A much happier person, and the best Jason I have ever been.

5. I am smarter as an atheist. I know it sounds arrogant to say, and can be taken as a ridiculously pretentious assumption. It’s true, though. I'm not saying myself or any other atheist is smarter than anyone else that isn’t an atheist. I’m not even saying I’m a very smart person. All I am saying, is that Atheist Jason is smarter than Christian Jason, and Christian Jason would have never come close to obtaining the same knowledge, insight, and genuine curiosity that I have as an atheist.

It is my admitting to myself that there is no god that allowed me to admit that there are probably lots of things I did not know or that were probably not true, which eventually lead me to realizing that the amount of things I do not know is infinite. Realizing these things lead me to realizing all of my questions that had previously been answered with “god” no longer had answers. This is what lead me to reading more, learning more, and craving more knowledge in general. It pushed me to talk with more intelligent people about things I didn't know. It created discussions about things I would have never discussed, and that required me to do more than spout off a response that I thought sounded clever, but had nothing to back it up beyond my own misinformed opinion.

If you want to know the difference between Christian Jason and Atheist Jason, just talk to someone that knew me before I was kicked out of High School. I was not known for being very intelligent, at least not by very many people, and especially not by me. Today I am still no genius, but I'm not an idiot. I’m not known as an idiot. The friends I make and the women I date all mention my intelligence (don't even act like you haven't asked anyone the same thing) as the biggest reason for wanting to get to know me. Christian Jason was always told it was because he was "goofy."

Had I not let go of the idea of a god, I would not have had the same drive to learn and expand upon my knowledge. I know this is not the case for everyone, and being an atheist isn't going to make anyone instantly smarter or more driven. It did improve me, though. It took away my excuses for not learning. It took away my excuses for being lazy. It introduced me to people that inspired me to expand my mind, rather than shut my eyes to reality by telling me that everything that contradicts the existence of god is a lie by Satan that is merely testing my faith.

Being an atheist has taught me more about myself and the universe I live in than I could have ever learned in any religious text. Not because there is no knowledge within religious texts, but because there is no end to the knowledge outside of them.

6. There is no positive ideal/moral/value/philosophy that is unique to any religion. There really isn't much more to say about this one beyond that one sentence. There are good things within most every religion, be it a monotheistic or polytheistic faith. There is no denying that fact. There isn't  however, any one idea in any religion that would not or could not exist outside of that religion. People can debate what is positive and what is not, but I have yet to find anything positive in any religion that is not simply a quality of a good person.

So, that’s it. I could go on forever with this, but who really has time to read all of that? Who would really care? The bottom line is there probably is no god, and I am okay with that, because a god isn’t necessary for living a good life as a good person.

Ask me about my wein -- errr... atheism. I meant atheism.

I am an outspoken atheist from a small town on the border of Georgia and Alabama. Because of this, the majority of those I know and care for have strong religious convictions that encourage them to talk religion with me. More often than not, those that I am approached by are Christians and Jehovah's Witnesses (I am not counting the door knockers). I am rarely approached by Jewish, Muslim, or Mormon friends/strangers (outside of door knockers, which I am not counting) that wish to discuss religion, and I am not sure why to be honest. I suppose I just do not know as many of them. 

In all of  the times that I have been approached by strangers and loved ones that hold a religious belief, not once have they ever wanted to talk about atheism. What it is like living without god. Why I am happier as an atheist, or even if I am happier. Often they will incite a discussion under the guise of curiosity about atheism, but the moment the conversation starts, they go from feigning curiosity to simply waiting for their turn to talk so they can say, "Well, you know the Bible says..." followed by some cliche line, common sense statement, or twisted interpretation they think will relate enough with me to say, "Hey! I think shooting children in the face is wrong too! Maybe I was wrong about this whole religion thing, gee golly pumpernickel pop," or do their best to convince me that I subconsciously believe and am only saying I don't because of traumatic experiences.

By the way, the assumption and accusation that I could only be an atheist if I experienced some kind of trauma that just made me angry is insulting in ways I cannot even begin to explain. If you are a Christian or any other believer in a higher power, and you think like this, stop it. Stop it right fucking now. You may not realize it, but you are basically telling us we are petulant children throwing a tantrum. Idiots incapable of independent thought or self discovery. It is patronizing, infuriating, and shows a total lack of interest in the truth or who we are. I have never, not once, met a single atheist that claims trauma and anger as their reason for leaving their religion. Some may have had trauma or mistreatment give them reason to question and research, but it was not the reason. A catalyst is not a reason. Remember that.

So, back to the point of this post, all religious discussions end up being me debating with the believer in ways that feel like a competition to see who knows the most about THEIR belief system. The thing is, I have stopped trying to learn more about their religion[s], because I do not believe in them. I do not want to waste my time trying to learn more about something I do not believe in, just to explain to other people why I do not believe in it. It’s ridiculous. I do not need to justify or explain why I do not believe a fantastical claim that lacks ANY actual evidence. On top of that, not once has any of them shown any attempt at understanding atheism. At most, there will be one or two that claim to have been atheists or agnostic at one time, and then attribute that time to being angry at the world or god or just following a fad. These people are often the ones that are the most positive that trauma is why we do not believe, while often stating that they found Jesus BECAUSE OF A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE (What do you know? The trauma argument comes full circle).

Just once I would like to have someone actually show an interest in why I deconverted and/or what MY atheism is, and not because they want to try and reverse it. Someone with an honest curiosity. You know, besides other atheists. We seem to be the only ones interested in why and how we came to where we are, and our stories are mostly the same. We often come from different levels of previous religious belief, but almost all of us have an increased knowledge and understanding of our previous religion as the reason we stopped buying into them. A sense of truth over comfort, which surprisingly enough, is more comforting than the comfortable lie we were force-fed as children. But more importantly than why or how we got to where we are, is who we are now. What things do we believe? What motivates us? Excites us about life? Where does our passion lie? Instead of throwing verse after verse at us in hopes of proving we misread something, ask us what we feel is a better alternative to religion for gaining the same benefits you are telling us you get from your faith.

My name is Jason Caldwell. I am 30 years old and have been openly atheist for 10 years. I do not care about the things I do not believe in, and do not owe anyone an answer for why I do not believe outlandish claims. I do not reject truth to protect my ego, and I do not need to believe in a supreme being to be a good person. I do not believe there is anything positive for humanity that is unique to religious faith. I enjoy sharing and learning what others believe and do not believe, but I do not enjoy being denied the courtesies that I give in discussions about personal beliefs and ideals. I am open about everything, and I do not filter my opinions to coddle the beliefs of others, nor do I expect or want anyone to filter their beliefs to coddle me.

Go ahead, ask me about my atheism. Ask me why I do not need religious faith.

Should have been mad, but I couldn't help but be proud!

Today Xekan and I slept until the early afternoon. For someone on a third shift schedule and the parent of a two year old, this was glorious! But let me tell you WHY he slept so late...

I put him to bed around 9 last night, and he was being pretty needy -- insisting I stay next to him until he fell asleep. We read for a while, and then I told him it was time to sleep. After about 30 minutes of lying silently with him, I told him I was going to go to the living room and for him to go to sleep.

Two minutes after I closed the bedroom door, he came out of the room and asked me if he could listen to some music. He asks for music pretty often, and I will play the kids night time songs on Slacker Radio for him.

I started playing the music on our tablet, and he thanked me with a hug and kiss. Tucked him back in and left the room to clean and read some of my new book. I didn't hear a peep from him until I started to go in there at 3am to sleep.

He was awake... He had picked the tablet up from the floor, exited Slacker, and launched Netflix. I don't know how long he waited after I left the room before doing this, but it must not have been long, because the history showed that he had been watching A LOT of shows the entire time I thought he was sleeping. He was watching everything from Transformers to Chuck & Friends. He happened to be watching Chuck & Friends when I walked in.

I have not had the tablet long, have not ever let him watch Netflix on it, and certainly haven't shown him how to launch it and play show!

He just grinned and said, "Sorry daddy. Come lay down!" I tried to scold him, but I was too impressed to hide my prideful smile. I'm not really sure, but I think I owe him $50 now...

I didn't think to take a photo of him right then, but here are some taken over the weekend that are equally adorable.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

The following is the email I sent to everyone I worked with at Intelliteach earlier today, my last day with the company. Had some email issues that didn't allow me to verify that the distribution list was properly up to date. Posting it here for those that might not have received it. This is by far one of the best places I have ever worked, so leaving wasn't easy.

First of all: http://youtu.be/kfVsfOSbJY0

Now we can move on to the rest of the email.

Intelliteers,lend me your eyes!

As most of you know, today is my last day as an Intelliteer. It has been an amazing three years full great and often strange times that I wouldn't trade for anything. It is, however, time for me to move on and make some serious changes in my life. Before I go, I feel I should leave you all with 10 things I have learned during my time here:

1. Remember the angry and insane calls you receive, not because they are stressful or frustrating, but because they are the most fun to laugh about later. You're getting paid for your ability to do something that caller cannot, and that gives you power over them. They hate that. Plus, you're making memories that will stick with you forever, while that person will not remember it anymore than every other moment in their frustrated existence. Enjoy laughing at them years from now.
2. Do not forget the nice calls, or that there are far more of those than there are bad ones. Especially on bad days, remind yourself that most of the people you speak with are good people, and that can make all the difference in your mood.
3. When the Jeep rides, Tre and Stoph fight over who gets to drive - so you'd better wear a seat belt.
4. If you have been wondering why Donnie McGuire reminds you of someone, but you just can't place it, that person is Matthew McConaughey. You're welcome.
5. In the three plus years I have worked here, there has not been a single employee named Dave/David. For this reason, you should all know that Daniel Wang has been dubbed Dave for the rest of his life.
6. Seriously, there has not been a single Dave at this company in all that time. We have some really weird names, and even a couple of Curtis Williamses that were hired within a month of each other for the same shift, but not a single Dave. What does Intelliteach have against people named David?
7. If you have any questions about anything you can ever imagine, talk to Jordan about it. That man is either a cyborg or the victim of alien experimentation. No matter how obscure the subject, he's heard of it and can talk more in depth on it than anyone else you'll ever meet. I bet if you asked, he could even tell you why Applejacks do not taste like apples.
8. Even if you hate geek culture and all the traffic and mayhem that comes each year with Dragon*Con, go down there on your breaks and lunches to see the people that attend each year. You'll find no better place to people watch, nor will you find a better mass of individuals so unabashedly proud of the things they are passionate about, regardless of how odd most people may find it.
9. If you ever find yourself needing to speak with DeJuan, do not look for him at his desk. He has an explosive device implanted in his skull that will explode if he stops moving for more than 10 minutes at a time, and so far medical science has not found a way to safely remove it.
10. Do not question The Great Christoph. He may seem like a laid back Penn Jillette, but will not hesitate to destroy you with his Viking fury. I once saw him use the skull of a toddler as a goblet, because he believes the tears of his enemy's orphaned children taste better when they are consumed from the place where nightmares live. So, I guess in that sense he's also a bit of a romantic.

I'd also like to remind everyone that I officially give you all permission to add to your resumes that you had the honor of working with me, the most amazingly awesome person in the History of Ever. Consider it my gift to you, because I am a humble man, despite my God-like qualities.

So to everyone:

http://youtu.be/GWbz_mIAShM

And I'd thank you for all the fish, but too many Intelliteers before me have already done that; so keep it classy, Intelliteach.

http://youtu.be/1b26BD5KjH0

Jason Caldwell
Team Lead and Hero of the People

"Stay cool, my babies!" - Conan O'Brien

"The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry."- David Duchovny

"I was born an old coal miner's daughter..." Regie Durana

"Jason Caldwell is the greatest human being to ever exist." - Jesse Collins

"If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of." -Bruce Lee

"Knowledge is not wisdom." Sara Brown

"I've never been one to treat every new person that I meet, as if they were anyone I've previously met." - Jesse Collins

http://www.facebook.com/bufferkiller

bufferkiller@gmail.com

Somewhere along the way I took a different path than my sanity. I hope we meet up again before our final destination.

I enlisted in the United States Army in 2002. It was just after 9/11 and it seemed everywhere I turned people (mostly kids) were talking about enlisting out of patriotic duty. I wasn't one of those people. My friend David was, and a few months after 9/11 he came up to me all kinds of politically charged and said we should enlist in the Army. I didn't get pumped up like he was, and he seemed a little shocked when I shrugged and said I'd enlist with him as if he'd just asked if I wanted to go grab a slice of pizza. We went out a day or two later and talked with some recruiters. Both of us set on going infantry so we could better understand those we'd met that refused to talk about the things they'd seen and done, regardless of how badly others wanted to hear about it. Before going, though, my girlfriend at the time convinced me to go with something else. David was not swayed, and went infantry anyway (we've both agreed since then that we should have stuck together, regardless of the MOS). He shipped off to Basic and then his duty station a few months before I even left for Basic.

During my time as a soldier I met many people, almost all of which had enlisted for reasons like David and I had. They were either in the group of patriotic Americans and children of strong military families, or they were in the group of people that just saw it as another job/stepping stone/career. Those of us that either had no other real options, needed money for school, or were just bored enough to want that kind of extreme change. I met only a handful of soldiers that seemed to join out of blind ignorance. They were soldiers that did not see the people our government said we were at war with as people. My friend Christine ended up in a Unit at Fort Bliss where she met a soldier that said he was eager to be deployed so he could kill the enemy. When she asked him why he felt they deserved to die, his response was, "Because they're different."

That kid is a good example of the third group of people that enlist; and I'm glad I did not meet many people like him, and I know that the majority of the military is made up of good people with good hearts, doing what they feel is right and something they can be proud of. Whether it's just another job, or Patriotic Pride, most soldiers are no different than any other good-hearted person you meet each day. So to think of comparing them to Nazi soldiers is something that seems so insane that it never once even crossed my mind. Why would it? It just isn't apples to apples.

But earlier today a friend shared this image with me on Facebook:

This simple cartoon completely caught me off guard and gave me an entirely new perspective. Had the comparison been the soldiers themselves, and not the civilians supporting them, I'd have forgotten about it by the time I'd clicked onto another tab. But looking at those that support troops, despite being against the reasons for the wars the troops are fighting, just blew my mind for a few moments. I'd grown up reading and hearing about WWI and how horrible the Nazis were -- Hitler was evil, the Nazis were evil -- End of Story. But they were soldiers, and many of the civilians knew this. Just like most Americans know this about our soldiers.

Now, I cannot compare anything American soldiers have done to other countries in recent years to the Holocaust (though we really were not far off with the Japanese American Internment Camps of WWII). But considering the times, the information available to the soldiers, and what they'd been raised to believe; I can no longer think that they were all evil people doing evil things because they loved evil. I'm reminded of articles and interviews about former Nazi soldiers that were haunted by the things that they had done, and I now think that they might have been the majority, and not a small minority. I could very well be wrong, but I honestly see the similarities now. Doing things that they know are wrong, but feel are necessary steps to be taken in order to protect their families, their country, and to insure the very best for future generations.

Now, don't go and take that last sentence out of context. Nothing justifies the horrible things that happen during times of war, regardless of which side you are looking at. No fucking excuse. However, that doesn't stop good people from doing unspeakably horrible things.

This brings me to the point of this entry: Despite the cartoon being a jab at Americans in support of American troops, it gave me a new view of how people in other countries see us. I've always thought it was because we are, in comparison to other countries; the snarky, know-it-all teenager that has no impulse control and serious issues with needing attention. I know that many of the casualties of our wars have been innocent people that did not deserve the kind of pain and suffering they received [Does anyone really deserve it?]. I just never connected the dots between thinking about each person as an individual and thinking of the citizens of those countries as a whole. How the people whose countries we are fighting in may not see us the way people in other industrialized countries see us, or as religious fundamentalists do. Instead of seeing the snarky teen or the evil infidels that need to die in the name of Allah, what they see may be more akin to a Nazi with stars on their sleeve.

I've grown to live with the annoyance of being seen as part of a culture that represents itself as the vapid teenager of the world. I'm even able to deal with religious extremists that think we should die for believing and acting differently from the ways that their ancient texts say we should act. This new view, though, that I am part of a culture that is also seen as I was raised to see the government and soldiers in Nazi Germany... I don't really know how to process this. Is this shame? Is this anger? Simply frustration? Perhaps all of these and more, I'm honestly not sure.

My views of my fellow soldiers and Americans has not really changed. I still know that people are mostly good. I still know and believe that I am lucky to be living in a country as wonderful as America, despite what all of the political nutjobs (civilians as well as politicians) want us to believe during election years. I do not believe our government is inherently evil and out to destroy the country for money. I believe most politicians get into politics because they honestly want to help people; and that a mixture of power, ignorance, and greed can lead them astray. Those that do not succumb to these things, are not just bad people, but people with their hearts in the right place being directed by misguided personal beliefs and moral misconceptions.  I'm just not sure what it is I'm feeling with this new perspective: We are seen by others the same way we were shown the Nazis and the Nazis were seen by many good people the same way our country sees our own soldiers.

As a soldier, I was never placed into a situation where I would have been asked or forced to commit any act that I felt was immoral. My actions as a soldier representing my country were always honorable. I did some stupid stuff, and I made some bad choices. None of then, however, were in the line of duty nor did they bring any kind of attention to my country or uniform. Just leftover teen angst and narcissistic self loathing still hanging around from my teens.

I was still a soldier, though. When we think of the Nazi soldiers and how horrible they were, do we think about those that were placed in areas where they never had to fire a weapon or do anything other than sit around waiting for orders? Do we think, "Well, that soldier wasn't one of the bad ones"? No, they were a soldier in the Nazi army, so they deserve the same amount of contempt as every other anonymous Nazi soldier.

So how does one help to eliminate this kind of view of himself and his country? Where could the solution to something like this be hiding? In a Catch-22 of Politics. It always comes back to politics, and politics are the very reason we are seen this way in the first place. With a government bent on being the Alpha Dog in the eyes of the governments of all other countries (which many of those countries hold the same view of themselves), we have instilled in our citizens the need to be the center of attention. Not a very good quality to have, as it has made us one of the most vain countries on the planet. I am no exception to this.

My intentions were not to write a political blog, and most definitely not to support or imply that I am anything other than a Centrist when it comes to politics; but this cartoon has taken my train of thought from a new view of myself, to political thoughts about how I can help change this stigma. With that being said, I'm going to briefly mention one of the GOP nominees from earlier this year: Ron Paul. I would not vote for him, nor will I ever vote for his son, because I think they are insane and unqualified for any political office. Ron did, however, have a few key points that I agreed with and one in particular that I feel applies to this topic (just not to the misguided extremes to which he talks about). That is staying out of the affairs of other countries. Plain, simple, and correct. I believe there are times to get involved, so long as money is not the reason. Anything that threatens our freedoms, for example. A war with an ally that is clearly going to spread into other countries and eventually our own; like with Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Nazi Germany, etc. Any other reasons for being involved are more than likely about power, and not about the welfare of the citizens of any country involved.

This ideal is a good one. Stay out of things that do not concern or affect us, and stop being an attention whore. However, this is where I stop agreeing with Dr. Paul, and it is the last I'm mentioning of him in this entry. I do not want my thoughts getting lost in a sea of political bullshit.

So how does a country that has been hogging so much of the spotlight for so long, just walk away from it? Do we pull a Greta Garbo and say, "I want to be alone"? Do we just say, "Sorry about being a dick for so many years. We promise to be nicer from now on"? Or do we just say, "I'm out" and drop the mic like a boss? Even more important than that, though, is whether or not we can step back without any negative repercussions from countries that we may have pissed off over the years.

Unfortunately, before we can make any drastic political changes like this, we must instill in our children/citizens the need to be informed above the need to be famous and/or popular. We need to teach/remind everyone how to think instead of what to think, so that we can improve the system in which we educate one another. It isn't enough to vote when the people that should be in charge are not eligible to run for office because of the experiences of their childhood that helped shape them into someone with the understanding needed to hold that political office in the first place. We need to teach the importance of making decisions and forming serious opinions using reason, logic, and thinking of everyone affected in place of using emotion and selfish personal beliefs. While we still have political parties that strive to separate our nation to the point that even talking about politics is considered a social taboo, rather than having qualified representatives working together [with and for the people] to make life better for everyone, voting will not be enough. We need a new standard in what qualifies someone to hold political office; and it needs to start with removing the idea that no one can do it better than a rich white man. Being a lawyer, a doctor, successful business man, or any other profession that is common among politicians is not enough. Yes, being in any of those positions will help with being able to speak well and/or argue any opinion you may have as it relates to the topic at hand. They have traits that make them great at telling people what they want to hear in order to get their support. These are all great traits to have in a politician, but what about these professions implies that they are actually qualified to speak so confidentially about anything outside of their profession? How does a business man, OBGYN, or Intellectual Property lawyer become an expert in global economics, international relations, or military strategies if they have never been a global economist, studied international political policies, or been a military strategist? We can find similarities in the thought processes of each of these, but why are we choosing people with jobs that have a McDonald's version of the experience needed in place of people that are actual experts in those fields? Why vote for Dane Cook when we could have Louis CK?

This is the loop that my sleep deprived, caffeine crashing brain has been trapped in today, all because of one tiny sentence in one goddamn political cartoon someone shared with me on Facebook.

Bored at work, annoyed with people on Facebook, and sick of having a broken rib.

I feel like I need to post something since it has been a while, and the last entry I started, I was unable to finish before the inspiration and motivation left me. Maybe after posting this one and a couple others, it will come back to me.

I think I'll make this entry about a recent Facebook group I made for the friends in my list. I tend to lose a few friends a week because of my posts about atheism and/or anti-religious stances. It is frustrating, but it happens. Oh well.

Recently, though, I have been losing good friends not because I'm an atheist that likes talking about it, but because of the other atheists that post on my posts. Most of the time I have not posted anything, and they have just taken whatever asshole comment someone else says as my own. That's bullshit! I am not my friends, or anyone else I know. I do not believe in a God, and many of my friends do not believe in a God. That is one thing we have in common, and says very little about who we are. Do not assume I share their opinions on anything, just because we agree on one thing. That is a stupid thing to do.

I created a group to put some of my more religious friends in. Mostly for the ones that seem to get attacked whenever they make a post on something I have posted; but also because I'm sick of getting these dramatic posts on my wall from people I've known since childhood, telling me that they just cannot take my atheist posts anymore. They are just too much for them to handle, and they will still be praying for me and they still love me. They just don't, you know, want anything to do with me. It fucking sucks, and is so frustrating and discouraging.

So I made this group and started putting in people that are offended by atheism. Also, anyone that said they wanted in there because religious posts from anyone is annoying, and they'd rather just look at the funny things that I post.

I got quite a few messages from people thanking me, and telling me I was a good friend for doing this. They were all nice, and so sincere. They were happy I was hiding atheist things from them, not protecting them from senseless attacks from strangers on the internet.

I feel so weak, pathetic, defeated, and hypocritical. Sick to my stomach.

Why does hiding a major part of who I am make me a good person? When did I do something to make anyone believe I was a bad person? How is my not being able to believe in something that has no evidence that it even exists, a bad thing? Not only does it not have any evidence to support it whatsoever, but what knowledge we do have about the universe, is evidence to the contrary of what religion claims. So why is my preferring the truth over fiction, preferring to be good without threats, preferring to love without rewards, preferring to seek knowledge over ignorance; such a horrible thing? I am fucking proud of these virtues. Being thanked for hiding them is disgusting. Becoming too tired to do otherwise, is depressing me.

Let's set that aside, though. Lets excuse their wanting me to keep that to myself as people needing to believe in something for comfort, and not being able to handle any criticism about it. That's understandable, and I am not going to hate on someone for not having faith enough to handle it. I just see that as someone who knows what they believe is bullshit, but they really need the comfort is gives them. I will respect that to an extent. I'll twist some justification out of it.

With that set aside, what still eats at my core is none of the people upset over my atheist posts have thought to make a group that hides their religious posts from people like me. Especially when the updates are excusing hateful and bigoted comments about people of a certain race, sexuality, belief system, country, etc. Or how about the constant posts that these people make about how horrible the father's of their children are, how they hate drama (yet post about nothing else), how they have so many haters (apparently their haters do not understand that they are "REAL and not FAKE"), etc. It saddens me to know that people their age still act and think like that.

Sure, I can block the posts from my news feed and/or delete these people. Simple solution. Well, I have done that. If I don't like the posts someone makes, I block the posts. If I don't like the person, they are removed from my list. That is done. I do, however, go through my list and try my best to keep up with everyone on it. Commenting on photos, links, updates, etc. What's the point in having them on my list if I don't communicate with them at least a little? That's just weird. I don't add people just to add to the number of friends I have, I do it to keep in touch, catch up, and network. I'm damn good at it, too. You'd be hard-lucked to find someone in my list that I can't tell you about. When searching for something to comment on, however, I have to sort through a ton of bullshit. Same things over and over. I make it a point to post more generic and/or humorous things than religious/political so that others do not have to endure the same thing with me. Doesn't take a lot of effort.

The thing is, the ones that get the most upset over what I post, are the ones that I talk with the most. That means they are the ones that know me the best. The ones that [should] know that I am not some evil asshole out to make everyone feel like shit. They know that I am a good person, that I love everyone I meet until given reason to do otherwise. Yet, they forget everything they know about me the moment I say. "I do not believe in God; but I do believe in treating all humans equally regardless of their faith, race, gender, sexuality, or nationality. People should be judged by their actions, not their thoughts."

Funnily enough, they are also the ones that talk the most about how horrible their relationships and jobs are. They blame other people for what goes wrong, they thank God for what goes right and the most ridiculous things ever, and they constantly say the most retardedly cliche things as if they are deep insights that no one else has ever thought before. Things that I ignore when I can't think of anything nice to say. In fact, everything I say outside of my wall is always really nice. Even if I am disagreeing with someone, or correcting them when they say something factually wrong. Or I explain why voting against someone without knowing who will be running against them, is a dangerous thing to do when based on an incorrect assumption about an irrelevant personal thing of the candidate that they oppose. This is even more frustrating since I choose to not vote, and do not care who they vote for and just wanted to help them be more informed so they didn't regret their choice after it was too late to change their mind.

Fuck it. The more I type and read back what I'm typing, the more I realize I'm the only one trying to maintain these relationships. If their idea of trying to maintain a relationship is praying that I'll stop seeking knowledge and start believing in fairy tales, then let them leave. Let them block me, delete me, or even tell me how horrible I am for thinking the Bible is bullshit; even though they agree with me on every other religion being bullshit.

This is the worst entry I've made yet, but it is the one that has felt the most therapeutic. The next one will likely be about religion, and how I came to realize that I am an atheist. Also why I choose to call myself an atheist.